Give It All Away
Give It All Away
I'd always laughed in movies when characters who are dying complain of being cold. I never really thought it'd be true, but apparently when you're bleeding to death, there's not much there to keep you warm. Because it gets so very cold. It's not instantanious as most action movies would have one to believe. It's more drawn out like those angsty, dramatic movies.
The worst thing about dying is that you can't stop all the thoughts from flooding your head. Maudiling little things. Questions, mostly. Will I be remembered? Will my friends mourn? Will they miss me? Did I turn off the coffee maker? And then you start thinking of stupid things like 'What will I be buried in?' or 'Will it be an open or closed-casket service.' Which brings you back to the maudilin thoughts. Will they ever find my body? Will they want a service?
I think Seifer would insist on one. He grew up a little and started demanding respect for everyone in an authoritative position. It was amusing at first, but then I really did start to appriciate it. Nobody thought I could pull it off, being Headmaster. They all thought it was stupid to put a kid in charge, which it probably was. But I got a lot of things done that needed to be done. I installed a student government, expanded research capabilities, had guest speakers. I increased the number of teachers for a more personalized touch. I converted the lower levels into a GF training area...
I'd like to think that Seifer would insist on a funeral. I'd also like to think that my death would tear him up inside and that he'd regret losing me for good. I mean, I dropped so many hints at him...I don't understand why he didn't pick up on them. I'm not exactly the most subtle person on the planet.
And that's my biggest problem with dying. Seifer. He'll be pissed that it was me and not him. He was supposed to be out on this mission, not me. But he got sick and I couldn't send some SeeD to do the Commander's job now could I? But...how can I just accept my fate when there's so much I haven't done? I haven't kissed him, haven't felt his hand fisting in my hair. I haven't shared private little things that only he and I would know. And it goes beyond him, too. I haven't fixed my relationship with my father and I haven't gone to Zell and Rinoa's wedding. I haven't completed memory-loss research in corrolation to the GFs. I...I haven't...I haven't held Seifer in our sleep or woken up next to him.
I haven't told him I loved him.
And now I'm dying. I know I'm dying. There's nothing any Phoenix Down or any Life spell can do for me. Especially since my leg is all the way over there... There is nothing more disturbing than being able to stare at your own dismembered limb. And probably nothing more morbid, considering I keep staring at it.
And it's cold...so very, very cold. I can't really feel my fingers and the pain is starting to numb. At least my own natural morphines are kicking in. I hope they do find my body. I hope they bury me with Lionheart. ...Or maybe Seifer'd keep it. For a memento of me. Maybe he does really love me. Maybe I'll find out.
But where am I going to go? Am I even going to exist at all? I've never been all that religious... What if all that stuff is true and I haven't been good enough to make it to heaven. What if I'm really a bad person under it all and I plummet straight to hell. It's not like it wouldn't be any worse than my life, living through having him so close and not having him at all.
Or maybe it'll just be...quiet. I could use some quiet. Some peace. Some place where I won't have to fight, some place where I won't be abandoned. ...Maybe my mom will be there. I'd really like to meet her - Laguna rattles off all the time about her. She was a good person.
I'm so tired. Maybe it'll be some place where I can just...sleep. And maybe, just maybe, he'll be there when I wake up. And maybe he'll love me too...
And I just wish that I didn't feel that there was something I missed. And I take back all the things I said to make you feel like that. And I give it all away just to have someone to go to. Give it all away to have someone to come home to...