Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
I don't think he even realizes how beautiful he is. I find myself staring at him once again. It seems that I spend a lot of time staring at him. Thank god no one seems to notice. That is, no one but her. Rinoa. She noticed. I glance at her and her eyes immediately lock with my own. She knows.
'You're afraid of your feelings aren't you.' She had confronted me one day and demanded.
'What feelings?' I had tried to feign ignorance.
'You're in love with him, and it frightens you.'
She was right, is still right. I love him, and it frightens me. Her eyes are sad, and angry. We gaze at each other for a few moments, then he moves and my eyes move back to him. He's laughing now. Laughing and teasing Selphie. I wonder if he's in love with her. He's always with her. When they're together they seem to 'fit'. Like two pieces in a puzzle.
Selphie leans close and kisses his cheek. I feel an imaginary hand grip and squeeze my heart. They look perfect together. Two halfs of a whole. Even knowing this I can't seem to turn the feelings off. I try to tell myself I don't love him. I try to deny or ignore the feelings, but they won't stop. They refuse to turn off. So I am left to watch him from afar, never allowing myself to just be his friend. I can't be his friend any longer. To be so near, and yet unable to touch would kill me.
I continue to watch him.
And he never once looks my way.
He's not paying attention.
The T-Rex whirls around, it's huge tail heading straight for Irvine. Instead of jumping out of the way he stands there, looking shocked. Without thinking I throw myself in the path of that monstrous tail. It smashes into my side and I am flying through the air.
"Squall!" Someone screams my name but I'm not sure who it is.
I don't care.
The T-Rex roars and regains it's balance. I drag myself to my feet, ignoring the pain in my chest. He's not paying attention to the battle and his inattention is causing me to lose focus. I have to tune him out. I have to focus on the T-Rex. My fingers are numb and I have a hard time grasping the gunblade.
Focusing all my energy I call upon Shiva. As she materializes I feel a brief surge of strength. She attacks the T-Rex and disappears. The moment she is gone I attack. Taking advantage of the T-Rex's momentary weakness. I have to grip the gunblade with both hands and I can't pull the trigger. My fingers are so numb I can barely feel them. I slash at the T-Rex, intent only on killing.
When it falls to the ground dead I let the gunblade drop from my fingers.
The others congratulate each other.
I sink to the ground, black spots filling my vision.
My love for him is wrong.
It's distracting me. It's becoming a crutch. I can't afford to feel this way, but I can't turn the feelings off either. I lay in the infirmary, my eyes closed. He is sitting on a chair beside me. So is Rinoa. They have been sitting there for awhile. Waiting for me to wake. They don't realize I'm awake, and I don't let them know.
At first they just speak of meaningless things. I listen to their idle chatter, letting it wash over me. It's strangely comforting.
"Rinoa... why did he.. throw himself in front of me like that?" He asks, his voice breaking.
She is silent for a moment. I wonder if she'll tell him what she knows. I won't stop her if she decides to. "Why have you stayed here the entire time he's been out? Why did you carry him here in tears?" she asked softly.
He did? My heart constricts painfully and I listen more attentively.
He laughs softly, "Why else? I.. I love him."
I gasp, unable to hold back my reaction. My eyes snap open and I gaze into his shocked eyes.
Not a word is spoken.
Finally the silence is broken by Rinoa.
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
"I... I... Don't kill me." He gasps, looking from Rinoa back to me.
"You love me?" I sit up and glare at Rinoa who is still laughing.
"Oh. This is rich. You guys are probably the dumbest pair I've ever seen!" Rinoa cackles.
"Get out." I order sharply.
She stops laughing abruptly, taken aback by my tone. Her eyes narrow and she meets me glare for glare. Then she shrugs and leaves.
As soon as she's gone I turn my gaze back to him. "You love me?"
He looks miserable and he won't meet my eyes. "Yes." he whispers.
In a way it's sort of funny. I've been pining over him, sure he could never have feelings for him, and all this time he's been doing the same. But I'm not laughing. I don't feel happy. I just feel frightened. "Why?"
He makes a strange sniffling sound, "Because you're beautiful." he glances up, his eyes ever so briefly touching my face before he looks to the floor again, "Inside and out. Because you make me happy. Because my heart aches when you are near and it aches even more when you're away."
I can't handle this.
It's too much.
I roll off the bed. My wounds are healed. There is no pain, just a little dizziness as I stand. He watches me anxiously as I walk to the door. "I'm sorry." he says softly as I leave the room.
If I was not so weak,
If I was not so cold,
If I was not so scared of being broken
I would be
I would be
He avoids me for the next week. But now that I know, I can't stay away from him. I need to be near him. I track him down and find him in the library. He's not aware of my presence at first. I don't move, just watch him. Suddenly he jerks and whirls around. Our gazes meet.
His eyes widen with surprise. "Say it again." I urge him softly, stepping further into the room.
He swallows nervously, "Say what?"
"What you said. In the infirmary."
"I love you." he breathes so quietly I almost miss it.
I move quickly, capturing his arms and leaning over him until our noses touch. He struggles briefly but when our lips meet he sighs and closes his eyes. His entire goes limp as we kiss. He's surprised. My hands slide down to his wrists and I rub them gently.
He moans and I lick at his lips.
His mouth opens and I pull back.
Our eyes meet.
I smile again.
"I love you." He breathes, and then louder, "I love you!"
I bury my head in his neck, wrapping my arms around his waist and sitting on his lap. It's strange, but I need to be close to him. He doesn't push me away. His arms come around me and I hear him whisper, "Is this a dream?"
"Not anymore." I respond.
And it won't ever be a dream again. I'll make sure of that.
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