Notes: *sigh* I spell it Raijin and Fujin, *smile* Hope no one is too terribly offended by this. ~_^*
Don't Try to Save Me
Ten more minutes.
I'll only wait for ten more minutes.
I glance at my watch. Six-thirty...
Face it Seifer.... he's not coming. I close my eyes tightly against the pain that flares somewhere deep within my heart. I should have known it wouldn't last. I should have known he.. would get bored of me. I can't remember ever having any -real- friends. Raijin and Fujin are.. were my friends, but they never really knew me. Then again, neither did he.
So why does it hurt so much?
It didn't hurt this much when Raijin and Fujin decided they didn't want to be around me anymore, but then again I wasn't really all that attached to them. I always kept them at arms length. They were more acquantainces, then friends.
I might have opened up to him. Of all the people I've ever known, he is the one I've trusted the most. He's the only one I can imagine sharing my hopes, my dreams... my life with. It'll never happen. I shouldn't fool myself. Why would he want to be friends with someone like me?
I can feel a headache building behind my eyes.
'Let me tell you about my romantic dream.'
I close my eyes and lean back, rubbing the bridge of my nose with two fingers. You know what I liked about her? The sorceress that is. When I was around her... she always made me feel important. She made me feel powerful. I'd never admit it aloud, but I've always been... insecure. About myself, who I am, what I can be. When I was with her, she completely destroyed that insecurity.
She impowered me.
She used me, but in my own way, I think I used her too.
I think about her a lot. Mostly because I miss the way I felt when I was with her. I just... don't know who I am now, but when I was with her.. I knew -exactly- who I was.
As horrible as it may seem, sometimes I wish she wasn't dead.
I hate being weak.
Feeling the way I do towards Squall makes me weak. Maybe it's best he didn't show today. If he had kept coming, I would have kept fooling myself. Now I know, for certain, that I'm nothing. Nothing to him. Nothing to Balamb. Nothing to this world. Damn it. I hate self-pity and here I am indulging in it.
There's only one way to shut out wandering thoughts. There's truly only one way to end self-pity parties.
I get to my feet and walk away. I'm not coming back. If he doesn't want to be my friend then fine. I won't be his friend. I'm not going to cling. I'm not going to beg for friendship.
What I am going to do...
Is head into Balamb City and get so drunk that my brain shuts off.
Nothing like alcohol to deal with emotions I'd rather not have.
At the door I turn and stare at the table where we had been meeting for the last few months. It's the last time I'll look at it, because I'm not coming back. My heart aches as I turn and leave the cafeteria.
Just enough time to get attached.
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