Author's Notes: First try at a FF8 yaoi fic, so bare with me, y'all! This is actually my favorite yaoi, I like them all but IrvinexSquall just appeals to me. ^^

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII. *sniff* A shame, ain't it? ^^ They belong to the lovely folks at Squaresoft / Square Enix

Desperately Seeking Squall

Chapter 1 - Not-so-Beautiful Goodbye

By Kris

If you were to tell me three days ago that Selphie Tilmitt and I were breaking up, I'd never believe it. If you were to tell me three days ago she was leaving me for Zell Dincht, I'd call you crazy. If you were to tell me three days ago that they'd been dating each other for three months, I'd laugh in your face.

Too bad you weren't there to tell me three days ago, I would've been ready.

Selphie and I were close, extremely close. We spent the whole day together, when we weren't in class. I'd sign up for the Garden Festival Committee just to be near her, I was that obsessed. You have to understand exactly what I was to the others, and what I was to her were two entirely different people. To them, I was a playboy; I would fuck anything with two legs and a heartbeat. To Selphie, I was her everything, I was her sun and her moon. Everything she did revolved around me, or so I thought. To me, she was my universe. Sure, I'd have other girls on the side, but that didn't last every long. I saw the pain in her eyes when she told me it was all right, I never knew I had driven her so far away from me. I wish I could take everything I did to her back, but I can't. What was done, was done, I couldn't take it back.

I wish I could…

Zell Dincht was clever as he was sexy. I knew he had his eye on Selphie for a long time, but I never thought Selphie felt the same way. It never occurred to me that she even had the slightest feelings for him, other than the fact that they were real good friends. Opposites are supposed to attract, not comparables. They both are exceedingly hyper, and bounced around a lot. Though, I think Selphie was the most hyper active person on the planet, and Zell was the second most hyper person. Zell was a good friend, don't get me wrong, but the fact that he smiled in my face and then was kissing my Sefie behind my back was pretty damn vindictive, if you ask me. Sure, I had thoughts of fucking his brains out every time I saw him, but he wasn't the one who invaded my dreams every night wearing nothing but boots and a smile. Who was invading my dreams, you ask? You'd never believe me if I told you. Well, actually you would because everybody wants a piece of him, male and female alike.

Straight? I don't know the meaning of the word. It seems to become non-existent every time I lay my eyes on that perfect body. Yeah, just looking at him made me get a hard-on. Exactly whom am I talking about? Our dear Commander-in-Chief, Mr. Leader, and the Savior of the World.

Squall Leonhart.

Yeah, I know it'll never happen, but I can dream, right, after all, I'm a free man now. It'll probably be in the news. Mothers hide your daughters; guys cling onto your girlfriends.

Irvine Kinneas is SINGLE.

Technically, I'm not on the rebound; Selphie doesn't know that I know about her and Zell yet, but I'll talk to her about it…eventually. So, I can't just waltz up to him and say, "Squall, let's fuck." If I did, he'd probably stomp my horny ass into the ground. The sad thing is, I'd almost certainly take pleasure in it.

"Hi Irvy!"

Selphie's cheerful voice pulled me, reluctantly, out of my thoughts about Squall and I sighed. "Hi Selphie."

She gave me a hug, and I winced. Now I know how she felt when I was goin' around kissing other girls instead of kissing or being with her. "Selphie…"

"Yeah?" She asked me, kissing my cheek.

"We need to talk." I said it. There.

"About?" Her face twisted into the cute, little curious look she always gets.

"Us." I sighed, and her face fell.

"W-why?!" She started to get those puppy dog eyes; she was so good at playing innocent. Better than I was.

"Not here." I forgot to mention I was in the cafeteria, and all eyes would soon be on us. "Let's go talk about it in the Secret Area."

"Okay!" She got over that real quick. Maybe she thought I was going to give another, "It's time to move our relationship to the next level" speeches.

Reaching the Secret Area without any encounters of the Grat or T-Rexuar kind, I walked over to the balcony.

"Irvine, if this is about moving to the next level, I-" I stopped her before she could finish.

"No, it's not about us, it's about you and Zell." I spat his name out like it was a curse word. That boy really got me mad.

She blinked, taking a step back, those cute bright green eyes staring at me in astonishment.

"I saw you two yesterday in the Quad." I said, my eyes gazing out at the sunset. "The look in his eyes while you two talked, the way he touched you; and tickled you." I looked to her. I knew my eyes must've looked so pathetic, my throat was starting to get sore from holding back my tears. I couldn't let her see me cry. It was a pride thing, nobody saw me cry. Nobody. "This kiss, as minute as it might have been, it showed passion."

"Irvy, I…" Her shoulders slumped, and her hands were clasped together and were placed on her chest.

"…Is he what you want, Selphie?" I turned from her. "If he is, I'll let you go."

"Irvine…" I could hear the crack in her voice. "I'm sorry, I was going to tell you, but I had to make sure."

"Make sure?" I turned to her. "You had to make sure that you loved him more than me?"

She nodded, hoping I'd understand.

"So, you spent the past three months with him," My tone becoming distasteful and strident, "to see if you loved him more than me?" I shook my head in disgust. "Selphie, you have to tell me about these things!" A hand flew to my hat as I shook my head. "Not go behind my back thinking it'll be ok!"

"Don't you dare blame this on me!" She shoved a finger in my face. "I don't know how many times I've caught you doing the same thing to me, Irvine Kinneas!"

"I know, Selphie, I know!" I was trying to keep my tone lowered. "I also know that I apologized, and I haven't gone out with any girls in the last six months!" Don't be so shocked, when I decided Selphie was the only one I wanted, it took my awhile. I guess my heart made the message clear to my mind when she threatened to leave when she'd caught me making out with one of the girls from the library committee.

She stopped, and starred at me. "What?"

"Yeah, that's right." I laughed, ironically. "You blame me for running around while I was waiting at the front of my dorm door like a love-sick puppy for you to come home, despite the fact that you were out with Zell Dincht!"

She took another step back, her hands falling to her side and balling up into fists. Her eyes were cheerless, and were brimming with tears. "Why…why didn't you say something?"

"Because you wouldn't have believed me if I told you." I stated. "Because you would've thought it to be another meaningless effort by me try to get you into bed." I looked to the floor. "So, I didn't say anything."

"Maybe if you wouldn't have ran around in the first place, none of this would've happened!" She hissed.

"You're right." I sighed, turning my back to her once more. "It doesn't matter now. All I really care about is your happiness, Selphie. I…shouldn't have made a big deal over it. After all, I deserve it, right? So, go have fun with Zell." I faced her one last time, a bogus smile displayed on my face.

"So," She blinked. "…You're not mad?"

"I overreacted, Selphie." The smile still plastered onto my face, but deep down I was screaming for her not to go. "You can leave, Selphie. If you really love him, and know that's what you want; that's fine by me."

She smiled, brightly, and hugged me. She was silent, but I knew the look in her eyes were mixed with sadness and appreciation. She kissed my cheek, and turned to exit, glancing back at me before she walked out.

There she goes. Selphie Tilmitt. The only girl I ever wanted, and the last girl I ever openly loved.

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