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Chapter One - The Me I Often Hide

By Fantasy Lover

Iíve so much to say, and yet I can not speak
Come and do my bidding now for I have grown too weak
My weary eyes have seen all that life can give
Come to me, O young one, for you I can forgive
I stood where no man goes, and conquered demon foes
With Glory and passion no longer in fashion
The hero breaks his blade
Cast this shadow long that I may hide my face
And in this cloak of darkness, the world I will embrace

- The Pinnacle (Kansas)


"Today is the day you die, Seifer!"

He couldnít believe what he had just said. His own words cut him with searing pain. He wished that he could take them back, but it was too late. Why did he always say things in such a brutal way? Why could he curse Seifer with such condemning words, and yet not tell him the truth of how he feels.

"Youíll pay for your defiance, you weak little bastard!" Seifer returned, gripping his gunblade even tighter.

To Squall, the next few seconds seemed like an eternity. Things appeared to be going in slow motion. He watched as Seifer spun, gunblade in hand, as the steel edge seared across his face. He felt no pain, and was amazed by the amount of control Seifer exhibited. He was in awe of the genteel behavior displayed by his opponent, he didnít want to retaliate, but he knew that if he didnít, his rival might finish him off. Squall suddenly felt his adrenaline kicking in and gave his opponent an identical cut across his attractive face.

"Timeís up men," said a voice interrupting the silence.

"You're lucky runt. One more minute, and you would have been Geezard chow," Seifer said with an air of confidence.

"Whatever, Seifer," he said in his usual tone.

He didnít like being that callous, but it was the only way he knew how to hide his feelings. He was good at this because he had been practicing all his life to become the cold-hearted man that he was now.

Whenever he thought of this, he felt his stomach tighten. His only love would never agree to such a union. For that matter, neither would anyone else. In places like the Garden, same sex relationships were looked upon as dishonorable. The faculty saw it as a weakness, and had even given one couple a dishonorable discharge for not concealing their affection. But that was years ago. They wouldnít do that a second time would they? Squall wasnít sure that he wanted to find out.

"Hey, Squall, how was your battle?" a voice from behind called. It was Irvine Kinneas, one of the only people he trusted, "Ohh...what happened to your face?" Squall had forgotten all about his injury, and reached up to find that it was still bleeding.

"Oh, Seifer grazed me a little. Itíll be fine," he said grinning.

"It looks good on you. Maybe thatís why he gave it to you."

"Quit being an asshole, Irvine. I havenít told him yet, and I doubt heís figured it out. Besides, you know heís straight."

Irvine was the only person that was aware of Squallís preference, but it wasnít because he told him, at least not purposely.


It was at a party a couple of months before. They had been drinking a lot, and were both on the brink of passing out. In a drunken stupor, Irvine asked Squall to join him upstairs. Squall, in utter amazement at the request, informed the loaded cowboy that he was in love with his hapless rival. He could almost see his words dribbling from his mouth, and as soon as the words were out, he wanted to gather them back up and hide them forever.

"I know. Thatís why I asked you."


He felt more afraid at that moment than he had ever been. Even battling two T-rexaurs at once without Curaga hadnít been that scary. What if others had noticed too...

"I could see the way you looked at him. It was different than the way you looked at Rinoa, or anyone else for that matter. So, you want me to give you a job or not?"

"No, I couldnít...."

"Damn....Your such a hard ass. Suit yourself, though. But if you change your mind, you know were to find me."

**(End Flashback)**

"Why are you holding out for him then?" Irvine said breaking his train of thought. "You know he doesnít give a shit about you. Besides, wouldnít you want to be nice and loose for him if he did decide to fuck you? You donít think he wants a virgin, do you? Me, on the other hand, I love being the first."

"Shut your fucking hole, Irvine! You donít know a damn thing about what Seifer wants. Maybe he wants a virgin! And anyway, itís none of your damn business!"

"Geez! Calm down, amigo. I was just teasiní."

"Whatever," he muttered as he walked away.

"Hold up, Squall!"

"What in the hell do you want now?"

"Man, Iím sorry about that back there. I shouldnít have done that. Forgive me?"

"Well.... just donít do it again, or Iím gonna hafta beat your ass," he said as a smirk began to grow on his face. "Man, I need a shower."

"Need help?" Irvine asked in a last ditch effort to get some action from the silent warrior.

Squall shot him an evil glance, then to the cowboyís astonishment, he smiled seductively, "Maybe some other time."

The warm water tingled as it penetrate his skin, entering into every pore in his body. His mind concentrated on Seifer, which aroused him. He imagined the tall blond rubbing his back, tenderly caressing his skin. When he opened his eyes, he was taken back to the harsh realities of life. A life without his precious lover by his side.

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