Author's Notes: Ok I've gotta say this first….I LOVE SEIFER!!! I'm a mega Seifer slut…always have been, always will be…ask anyone who knows me…so this fic took it outta me to write…There is death in this fic…it's not violent…but it's still death…and please don't flame me for the death…it hurt me to write this…as much as I'm sure it will hurt you to read it maybe. I was compelled to write this…the images I was getting were the clearest I've ever gotten. And no matter how I tried…they wouldn't go away. Enough said…read the story…and if you like my pitiful ramblings…let me know.
DISCLAIMER: The song belongs to the Cowboy Bebop Anime, I'm not going hunting for all the names of everyone over there…and FF8 belongs to Squaresoft…though I own the Seifer doll that sits on my desk next to my monitor…making me drool all the time. *laugh*…And I promise Square…I'm only borrowing the boys for a bit…I'll give them back *hands behind her back fingers crossed* seriously I'll give them back *grin*.
Rating: No sex here chickies…*sigh*…so I guess I better go with a pg:13…hate that one…but hey it's better than the G rating…you will never find one of my fics in that rating…not possible…I cuss to much for that one…even if this has only one cussword.
Special thanks to Seshat and Whitebearwrites for looking over this, tweaking it and giving me the encouragement to continue with it. Thanks guys, I owe ya *hugs*.
Never seen a bluer sky
And I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something about blue
Ask myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No I couldn't answer
There are things that are
Turning a deeper shade of blue
And images that might be real
Keep flashing off and on
Free- wanna be free
Free- gotta be free
Move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feel so free
Gotta know free
Please don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream ya know
It's never ending
Blue, Squall's eyes when he's feeling something deeply are blue. A deep beautiful blue, like the sky, though when in a normal mood, they are a storm cloud grayish blue. The sky, it always comes back to that and his eyes, I can never look at one without thinking of the other. I can't really tell you when I knew I was in love with him. I don't know if I looked up into the sky one day and thought of him and bam, that was it, or if I looked into his eyes and fell headlong into them, floating away in blue, and just was never able to get out.
I do know I've been in love for a long time. Yeah I know, everyone thinks we've been hated rivals, but it's never been that on my part; ok so maybe in the beginning, at least until I realized what I was feeling, but there was never hate.
I just was never very good with people skills; I didn't know how to tell him. You know, I would follow him around, trying to find a way to tell him what I was feeling; then he would turn and see me there and give me his look. You know the look I'm talking about, the one where he basically just looks bored and he would ask me "what?", just that, "what?" and I would find myself getting angry. Angry at myself, because I couldn't force myself to tell him how I felt and angry at him for looking at ME like he does all the others. Damn it, I'm Seifer `Fuckin'` Almasy, no one, and I do mean NO ONE, looks at me as if I bore them!
So I would challenge him and we would be off and running with a fight. When we got older and were allowed training bouts, our fights took on new meanings. And for a while that was enough, that I could get his attention in some way, the way others couldn't. I became slightly proud of that fact; I and I alone could get that deeper shade of blue in his eyes. Though I would have preferred to get it with love instead, I just didn't know how. And now I think it's too late.
As I walk this barren wasteland, I walk around and see nothing. There's nothing but a desert; and just my luck, no oasis in sight.
It's mocking me, telling me that I'll always have nothing. Squall would never see me as I want. She told me he wouldn't, but I refused to believe, didn't want to believe. I thought it was simply a part of her games. She loved her games. The more pain she could cause you, the more you bled, the happier she was.
She was ruthless. She even invaded my dreams, giving me what I most wanted only to snatch it all away; leaving me broken and sobbing like some pitiful animal.
For just a moment, there in my dreams, I held the world in my hands and in that moment life was wonderful. Unfortunately for me, she liked pointing out that my life could not remain that way; and I had to release the world, to let it go free. I cherish those bits of dreams that floated by. I live daily with illusions, never knowing what is real and what isn't. I've lost what sanity I started this with.
You know I can tell you when the beginning of the end started. On that damn dance floor, watching him, how he allowed himself to be pulled out there and dancing with her. It nearly broke me then, seeing her get a reaction from him, and it wasn't the same, the reactions that I got were anger-based, hers were better. They had me nearly bent over with pain to see that; her success, where I had failed.
Do you know when the Sorceress came to me in the beginning I went willingly. I had loved him so deeply and in an instant when his eyes followed her from that dance floor, in that instant I hated, I hated with a passion that scared even me. I hated them both and I wanted them to hurt, the way I hurt, I wanted them to bleed the way I bled! They say the other side of love is hate, well I'm here to tell you they're right it is, and it's deadly.
Soon after watching Squall fight Edea and seeing that ice shard embed itself in his chest brought me to my senses, however briefly. I loved him, I didn't want to hurt him, but by then she had control, taunting me, torturing me, driving me mad, and I couldn't stop myself. She used me like a puppet on a string, even the words that came from me weren't my own. I wanted to shout to him not to believe, did in fact yell it in my head, hoping against hope that somehow he would know. Stupid of me wasn't it?
Wanted to finally confess my love, but she twisted it. And when she finally let go, at that final battle, I had nothing, and no one, the only friends I had deserted me, though I don't blame them, why stay on a sinking ship? I would have left if I could have, but I had no one and no where to go, so I had to play the game out.
What a joke, when Squall asked me if I was still a Knight and I called myself a Revolutionary, I was no more a revolutionary then Zell was tall. I had nothing then, nothing but my pride, and pride kept me going, if nothing else. Still, watching Squall and Rinoa together hurt, knowing that he would never look at me the same as he did her. He would never know how I had held him and kissed his brow, while in prison; before she took control and had me torture him. He would never know of my sorrow.
I told you I had pride, but did I tell you it's the size of Esthar? I would never tell him, not now, when he would surely disbelieve me and throw it back in my face. Still I taunted him, wanting to see those beautiful eyes of blue, wanting to drown in them. For a moment there, I nearly blurted out my feelings at that last battle we had, but then she came.
I saw the way he looked at her and I bottled up my words once again, and began to fight that losing battle once more. And fought for everything I was worth, I had nothing else you see, nothing but that blade in my hand; hacking away at him, while also hacking away at myself internally. I watched the loathing in his eyes grow. I knew what the others thought of me, I could see their contempt, their disgust. Their hate. I didn't care.
They didn't bother me, their looks of hate and such. I brushed them off, like lint on my coat; but seeing it there in that deep, deep blue was an agony something I couldn't live with. And when he won and I was down on the ground, she called to him, and he turned to her, ignoring me, seeing only her.
I saw the writing on the wall, and I snapped once again, my hate grew so intensely that I found myself getting up and taking her, that bitch that stole him from me. I took her and threw her to the Sorceress Adel, knowing that this was completely sealing my fate with Squall. And really she didn't steal him from me, not when he wasn't mine to begin with, but she took my dream, the only romantic thing within me, my dream of love. His love!
I could never forgive myself, not for any of the pain I brought to him, so I would never even think of asking for it. I have this flaw you see, I can never just say "I'm sorry", it's not who I am. It's not in me. I'll regret the actions that have hurt others for the rest of my pitiful life, but never will you hear me say I'm sorry. What's the point?
I continue to walk, leaving my blood all over this sand, if there were monsters nearby, they would surely smell it and come running. I'm dying and I'm alone. Nothing new there, I was always alone, from beginning to end. How fitting. I don't fear death, partly because of the training we cadets receive, and for a while now for me it's become an escape route. No more worries, no more lies. Just sleep and dream.
Dreams, dreams are funny things. I sometimes wonder if this reality is the dream and the others are the existence, or is it the other way around. The more I bleed here, the less I care.
I can see something in the distance; it looks like something dark, just lying there. Maybe it's some kind of animal. As I head over to it, I find myself thinking, "Smart Almasy, if it is an animal, you're in no shape to fight it. Better hope its dead."
As I get closer my heartbeat speeds up and I find I'm having trouble Breathing. It's Squall, lying there motionless, how can this be? I look around wondering where the others are. Why would they not be here with him, especially if he's hurt?
I kneel over him, feeling for a pulse...it's there but faint, there's a stinging behind my eyes. How could they just leave him out here, in the middle of nowhere? Don't they know that the hero is to be taken care of? I take him in my arms, holding him close; this may be my only chance to do this, for if he were awake I wouldn't be able to get close to him at all.
I pull him into my arms, enjoying the feelings this invokes; all my longing and desires culminating here in this moment...with him lying in my arms. The only thing that could make this better would be if he were to awaken and look upon me with love. But I know that's not going to happen.
I feel my life slipping away from me and I pull him close laying my cold lips upon his warm ones; just a kiss, as gently as the wings of a butterfly against his skin, but to me it's enough, and I can feel the presence of another. Don't ask me how, I just do. I lay my love down gently and start to awkwardly get up, feeling moisture on my face, lifting my gloved hand to feel them. 'Tears?' Will you look at that, I can actually cry.
I walk away slowly leaving a trail of blood, feeling myself getting weaker and weaker, but unwilling to cast any magic, not that I have anything that would heal me. I stand there watching to make sure that what I felt wasn't something dangerous to him. Then I see her, as she makes for him like a bee to honey. I grit my teeth not wanting to see the reunion, but not able to look away.
She places her head on his chest, crying, stupid girl he's not dead, but then he opens his eyes and the sky lightens. I can see the blue, and as my body weakens and I fall to my knees, a ray of sunlight warms me. I fall to the ground as she holds him close to her and I watch them kiss, my heart breaking for good. Suddenly the blue of the sky and the warmth of the sun fill my senses, I feel as if I'm floating, lightheaded from all the blood I've lost.
I'm happy for Squall, I am, and he'll live and go on to be happy. I wasn't right for him, and this works out so much better for him. Though whenever he looks into a mirror he will remember me. Oh Squall, remember me fondly at least. I feel my breaths growing shallower and shallower, knowing that my death is so very near, welcoming it, wanting it.
My last coherent thoughts are of Squall, and knowing that he'll be fine, he'll live on, and I'll finally be at peace. I let go, feeling only the darkness and then the brightest of lights, it's so beautiful.
Will you look at that...even here he's with me.
The light…it's blue....
Just like his eyes...
Author's Notes: Ok if you got this far and are like me, here….*hands out tissues* I hated this story…but I'm also proud of it too *watery grin*… If you found you hated the story…what the hell were you doing reading the whole thing, *laugh* anyways…to those that read it and leave nice or constructive reviews….mucho thank you's in advance...seriously.
Return to Archive