Heart In Chains
“Are you comfortable like this?” Haldir, holding Erestor in his arms, pressed deeper into the comfort of the mattress. Camfael had seemed stunned, finding him in bed with Erestor, but hadn’t ordered him to leave. So Haldir felt it was safe to assume that the healer approved.
“I am com…fortable…” whispered Erestor in a sleepy tone. He had seldom felt more at ease. Haldir had curled himself around him and was holding him tightly. His head rested against the sentry’s chest and he had wrapped his arms around Haldir. The gentle touches bestowed onto his hair made him relax and his heart fluttered madly whenever Haldir pressed a chaste kiss on a strand of his hair. “’Tis nice.”
“Aye, ‘tis,” Haldir listened to Erestor softly purr his contentment. “You feel so right in my arms.”
Erestor was grateful Haldir couldn’t see his blush. This was all so new and unexpected. Just when he had resigned himself to a life without love, Haldir had changed everything.
“Would you look at me, lirimaer? I have the distinct suspicion you are blushing.” Haldir enjoyed teasing Erestor somewhat.
Erestor was biting his bottom lip when he finally lifted his eyes to meet Haldir’s. “I *am* blushing.”
“I can see that.” Haldir laughed warmly, but then sobered again. “May I kiss you?”
“You did not bother… to ask permission… that first time…” Erestor was surprised he was teasing Haldir in turn. What was it about the sentry that made him feel like he could lower all the walls he had ever erected? It was trust, he decided in the end. He trusted Haldir unconditionally.
“In that case…” Haldir had already read the answer in Erestor’s eyes and leaned in closer to carefully claim the other’s lips. He had been afraid that Erestor would tense upon contact, but the dark-haired Elf remained relaxed. Letting his tongue trail along the insides of Erestor’s lips, his eyes beamed with joy when the raven-haired Elf eagerly accepted the kiss.
Erestor’s toes were curling, and he released a pleased moan, feeling Haldir’s tongue dance against the insides of his lips. He had no idea what he was supposed to do and was contented to let Haldir take the lead. The kiss felt warm and caring and caused a tingling sensation throughout his body. “Oh…”
Hearing that little sound pleased Haldir tremendously. “That is only the beginning, lirimaer.”
Erestor swallowed nervously. “Haldir, I…” Embarrassed, he wondered how to tell Haldir how inexperienced he was.
“Elrond was your first…” whispered Haldir knowingly.
“Aye.” Erestor averted his gaze in shame. “I do not know what… how…”
“Do not worry about that, lirimaer,” said Haldir soothingly. “We won’t rush this and we will take one step at a time.” He had seen the state Elrond had left Erestor in after the binding and realized a lot of pain, hurt and fear lingered in the other Elf’s mind. “I will be gentle with you, always.”
Haldir’s promise reassured Erestor and he rested his head against the silver-haired Elf’s chest once more. “I am tired,” he whispered honestly.
“Then go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and from now on I will make sure your days are filled with joy.”
Erestor smiled against Haldir’s chest at hearing that promise and allowed himself to drift off into reverie of what could be.
“You are doing excellently!” said Camfael, proud that Erestor was finally walking unaided. Several months had passed since Erestor had woken from his death-like sleep, and the rate at which he was recovering was amazing. Camfael had the distinct impression that Haldir’s presence was responsible for Erestor’s speedy recovery.
When he had first discovered the sentry in bed with Erestor – sleeping innocently, nothing more – he hadn’t known what to think of it. Knowing that Erestor was bound to someone else told him that Haldir and Erestor could never truly be happy. But when he had seen the care and love with which Haldir surrounded Erestor, he had wholeheartedly approved. These two should make the best of the time given to them.
“Now steady yourself!” Seeing Erestor sway unexpectedly alarmed Camfael. But then Erestor reached for the wall and smiled reassuringly at him. “I am very proud of you.”
Erestor blushed weakly. He still had a hard time accepting any compliments. “Thank you.”
“When will Haldir join us?” Camfael knew perfectly well that the sentry was on patrol, and if someone knew when he was expected back, it was Erestor.
“He will be back when Ithil rises.”
/That is good,/ thought Camfael. During the few nights that Haldir hadn’t been able to sleep at Erestor’s side, the dark-haired Elf’s sleep had been plagued by nightmares. Erestor would wake up, screaming for his babies and blaming himself for their deaths. Camfael had tried to talk to Erestor about the miscarriage on several occasions, but his patient never let him, clinging to his feelings of hurt and guilt.
Erestor seated himself next to the window and fumbled with the fabric of his robes. These last few weeks he had grown strong again and the fact that Elrond wasn’t drawing any energy from him helped. Elrond… He couldn’t help but wonder. “Master Camfael? Is there any news of Elrond Half-Elven and his family?”
Camfael had wondered before why Erestor was this interested in the Peredhel but always told him everything he knew. “The Lady Arwen left Lothlorien a month ago. It is a pity you did not see her. Her beauty is said to be unrivaled.”
Erestor nodded slowly. Since reaching her majority, Arwen frequently visited her grandparents. He had heard that she got on especially well with Galadriel, which made him wonder if Arwen was as cold and manipulative as Galadriel. The thought alone made him shiver.
“The Lady Celebrian announced a visit and should already be on her way here.” Camfael tried to think of more details for Erestor. “Lord Elrond sent us several books on lore and healing methods and they are a great contribution to our library. Perhaps you will want to study them later?”
“He is happy, then,” whispered Erestor, uncertain of his own feelings. /I wonder what kind of man Elrond has become./ It seemed unlikely he would ever meet the half-Elf again and forced himself to think of something else. “I heard Orcs were sighted near our borders?”
“Haldir must have told you that.” Camfael had advised against upsetting Erestor in any way, but Haldir always updated the dark-haired Elf on what happened near the borders. “Aye, it is true. They are trying to invade our lands, but Lord Celeborn has taken appropriate measures.”
/Aye, that is why Haldir cannot be here,/ thought Erestor, saddened. The march warden had accepted command and was now responsible for keeping their borders safe. Such responsibility limited the time he could spend with Erestor.
Erestor composed himself. Haldir had already done so much for him! He would never have woken up if it hadn’t been for the silver-haired sentry who now guarded his heart.
But still it felt wrong. It should be Elrond and not Haldir who held the key to his heart. But Camfael had just told him how happy the half-Elf was and it was time to let go of old hopes.
“Would you like to play a game of chess?” Camfael had tried to make playing chess a daily habit. The game forced Erestor to concentrate and honed his fine motor skills.
Erestor smiled and nodded. He had lost every game they had ever played, but was determined to win one day.
“Lirimaer? I am back.” Haldir had soundlessly made his way over to Erestor’s bed. Sitting down on the side, he found that the dark-haired Elf was already awake. “I am sorry I am late, but we ran into a pack of Orcs. They are constantly trying to infiltrate the lands.”
Arien’s golden rays warmed the room, telling Erestor it was already morning. He had spent the night alone then… Without nightmares! Now that did surprise him!
“Why are you looking at me like that?” asked Haldir, smiling. Seeing the still dreamy expression in Erestor’s eyes, he leaned in closer and kissed him.
Erestor sighed, melting into the kiss. He parted his lips, allowing Haldir’s inquisitive tongue past his teeth and then sucked gently on the tip. Haldir tasted like the forest, of blueberries and earth. The scents made his head reel and he pushed himself into a sitting position, possessively wrapping his arms around Haldir’s neck. “I have missed you.”
“And I you, lirimaer.” Haldir nipped playfully at Erestor’s bottom lip and then sat back, studying the dark-haired Elf. Almost a year had passed since Erestor had woken up and so far, they had limited themselves to kissing. A part of him knew that what they were doing was wrong; that the only one who could make Erestor truly happy was Elrond, but in the meantime he would be damned if he let Erestor suffer from loneliness! He read the same realization in Erestor’s eyes. The other Elf also knew that his happiness lay with Elrond, but despair had gotten the better of him, making him accept Haldir’s offer. Haldir promised himself to never regret any of this. He had long realized that they would probably never go all the way, would never make love, because Erestor’s fëa was entwined with Elrond’s and not with his.
A sad, regretful look slipped into Erestor’s eyes, making Haldir remember. “Do you still want to visit the tomb today?” It had taken Erestor this long to build the necessary courage to visit his sons’ last resting place. And when he had heard Erestor planned on going there, Haldir had immediately offered to accompany him.
“Aye, and will you come with me?” Erestor’s fingers curled around Haldir’s, hoping the silver-haired Elf hadn’t changed his mind. He truly didn’t know if he could go there alone.
“Of course.” Haldir smiled reassuringly. “But first I need to return to my talan for a quick wash and a clean set of clothes. I will return to you within the hour. Make sure you are ready to leave, then?”
“I will be ready,” said Erestor in a shaky tone. He had to do this!
/Oh, Nienna, please give me strength…/ Now that he was standing in front of the small, marble tomb, his strength was quickly leaving him. Thankfully Haldir was at his side, supporting him and making sure he stayed on his feet. /My little ones, I never wanted for you to die./
“Erestor?” Worried, Haldir searched Erestor’s dark eyes. The pupils were dilated and the black orbs were swimming with tears. “You are not to blame, remember that. This was Seregon’s doing.”
Sudden curiosity overwhelmed Erestor. “Whatever happened to Telu?”
Haldir shuffled nervously. He would have preferred not to tell Erestor. “We failed to keep your miscarriage a secret and word spread quickly.” He cringed, seeing Erestor grow pale. “We tried to keep it private, but…”
Erestor bowed his head. “So everyone knows?”
“Most of the sentries know, aye.” Haldir cleared his throat. “When Telu learned that you had lost your babies, he… he felt terribly ashamed. He volunteered for the next mission and when we ran into a pack of Orcs… He was hit by several poisoned arrows… He died.”
“So my sacrifice was in vain. Telu is dead.” Erestor stared at the tomb, which held his sons’ remains. “Everything was in vain. My sons are dead and Telu as well.”
Haldir’s nervousness increased. There was something else Erestor should know. “Do you remember Seregon? The guard, who placed his dagger against your throat?”
“I do… vaguely.” Everything had become a blur, for which he was grateful. He didn’t want to remember the moment he had felt his babies’ inner lights go out.
“Lord Celeborn banished him from Lothlorien for what he did. The last thing I heard was that he found a new home with the Elves in Mirkwood. Lord Celeborn was enraged when he heard what had happened.”
“Enraged?” Erestor’s mind suddenly flashed back to the moment when Celeborn had placed the tiny bodies inside the tomb. “He even said a prayer.”
Haldir shivered, seeing the distant look in Erestor’s eyes. He knew instinctively that the other Elf’s mind had traveled back to the day of the funeral and was now reliving painful memories. He tightened his embrace, pulling Erestor close to his chest. “Celeborn was more affected than he wanted any of us to know. He does not always agree with Galadriel, but for some reason he never openly objects to her decisions.”
Erestor rested his head against Haldir’s shoulder. “I would have loved to see them grow up, you know.” He hadn’t really heard Haldir’s words, as he was being consumed with old and familiar pain. “I wonder what they would have looked like, if they had lived.”
Haldir swallowed hard; he had to offer Erestor some comfort. “I am sure they would have been handsome, tall, dark-eyed and raven-haired, as Elrond and you are both dark-haired. Your sons would have been excellent warriors and healers. They would have made you proud.”
Tears left Erestor’s eyes as he tried to imagine what they would have looked like. “And Elrond would have been proud of them as well.” He cocked his head and made eye contact with the sentry. “They never told him, did they?”
"As far as I can tell, nay, they never did.” Erestor trembled against him and Haldir deemed the time had come to leave this place. “We should go back.”
“Not yet, please…” Erestor resolutely freed himself of Haldir’s embrace and walked over to the tomb. He placed both hands on top of the marble, bowed his head and focused inward. /I am sorry, little ones. I cannot say that enough. It is because of my cowardice that you died. Wish I could hold you in my arms./
Haldir hurried over to Erestor’s side when the raven-haired Elf swayed on his feet and steadied him. “Do not torment yourself in this way, lirimaer. The little ones would not want that, and you make my heart ache.”
“I do not want to cause you any pain, Haldir,” said Erestor softly. “And I will cause you pain. I know it.”
“I make my own decisions. I decide whom I love. And you hold a very special place inside my heart.”
Erestor knew he couldn’t change Haldir’s mind and accepted what the other Elf was offering him. “I am done here.”
“Good, then let us go back inside.” Haldir kept his arm around Erestor’s waist as they made their way back. /You need to know that you are loved and I will do my best to convince you how truly loved you are./
“Let me take care of you tonight,” said Haldir in a tender tone. Visiting the tomb had emotionally drained Erestor and he wanted to take away the worst pain.
“I trust you,” replied Erestor, sitting down on the bed. “Unconditionally.”
That trust, shining from Erestor’s eyes, convinced Haldir to take the next step. “Let me give you one evening of peace and bliss.”
Erestor didn’t have the strength, or the will to reject Haldir. He wanted this as well. When the silver-haired Elf began to undress him, he watched Haldir with interest, wondering about the other’s plans.
Haldir removed Erestor’s tunic, boots, leggings, and even the loincloth. “Lie down, lirimaer.”
Erestor complied and lay down on his stomach, watching Haldir from over his shoulder. His breathing hitched, seeing the march warden remove his clothes as well. /What are you doing, Haldir?/
Haldir smiled reassuringly and picked up a phial filled with scented oil. “You are tense, lirimaer, and I have been told that I give wonderful massages. Let me ease those tense muscles.”
Erestor nodded once and then rested his brow on his forearms, giving Haldir permission to do whatever he wanted. He gasped softly when Haldir straddled his lower back and memories of Elrond taking him rushed back to him.
“Relax for me, lirimaer. I would sooner cut off my own arm than cause you pain. Remember, I promised to never hurt you and to always be gentle with you. I always keep my word.”
Erestor swallowed hard. “I do trust you, but… ‘tis hard for me. It brings back memories.”
And Haldir suddenly understood. “I won’t take you, lirimaer. I will never hurt you in that way.” Part of him knew Erestor wasn’t meant for him. Maybe if they had met at a different time, a different place… After opening the phial he let a generous amount of oil flow onto the palm of his hand. Rubbing his palms together, he warmed the oil before putting his hands on Erestor’s back.
Tensing at first, Erestor bit his bottom lip, hoping Haldir wouldn’t change his mind. /But nay, this is Haldir and he will never hurt me./ Once that realization sank in fully, he began to relax and moaned whenever Haldir worked on a particularly sore and tense area.
Haldir loved hearing those soft moans. “I gather this feels good?”
“Very… good,” mumbled Erestor blissfully. Haldir’s hands were working their magic, and after kneading the tense shoulder muscles, they now traveled to his lower back.
Feeling Erestor’s surrender -- and his need -- Haldir leaned in closer and placed butterfly kisses on one shoulder. Erestor briefly squirmed beneath him, but then purred softly. /Ah, you like that./ Growing bolder, he suckled an earlobe whilst running his fingertips down the dark-haired Elf’s neck. It was beyond him how Elrond could have been so cruel when he had claimed Erestor. This Elf deserved to be treated with love and respect.
When Haldir’s hands settled on his buttocks, Erestor did tense. “What are you doing?”
“You trust me, remember?” Haldir kneaded the soft mounds of flesh, but did not attempt to touch that most hidden place, knowing Erestor was not ready for such intimacy. Instead, he focused on the massage, hoping it would lure Erestor back into relaxation. “Would you turn around for me? Then I can do your front as well. You are very tense, lirimaer.”
/My front?/ Erestor wasn’t sure what to think of that, but he complied and rolled onto his back. Haldir’s powerful yet gentle hands now rested on his chest and touched him carefully. He wondered about the silver-haired Elf’s intentions when Haldir moved further down and his eyes widened when oil-slick fingers touched his lax member.
Haldir stroked Erestor’s member softly, bowed forward and kissed him. Erestor reacted passionately in spite of his surprise, reassuring Haldir that he wanted this as well.
Haldir’s tongue now circled one hard nipple and then sucked it insistently, slowly preparing Erestor for what was to come. He kept up the lazy stroking of Erestor’s hardening flesh and let his tongue trail down the flat abdomen. He had finally reached his goal when he could lick the tip of Erestor’s shaft. He was aware of Erestor’s eyes upon him and smiled. Erestor really did trust him unconditionally. Cupping Erestor’s sac within the palm of one hand, he used the other to stroke his inner thigh. Haldir then relaxed his throat and slowly closed his lips around the hard flesh rising from Erestor’s groin.
“Oh!” Erestor yelped softly at that delicious sensation. He had no idea what Haldir was doing or why he was doing it, but his body liked it. Now that he was buried in Haldir’s warm, wet mouth, his body reacted instinctively, urging him to thrust.
Placing one hand on Erestor’s hips, Haldir made sure the dark-haired Elf couldn’t thrust too strongly and took him as deeply as he could. Casting a glance at Erestor, Haldir saw the baffled surprise in the dark eyes. Passion, pleasure and curiosity stared back at him.
“Ha… Ha…Hal…” In the end, Erestor gave up on addressing Haldir. The sensations that were running through him were divine. His instincts urged him to tangle his fingers in the long strands of silver hair, which he did, and fascinated, he watched the bobbing motion of Haldir’s head.
Grinning between licks and subtle suckling, Haldir felt Erestor tremble with impending release.
“Hahl…diiir!” Erestor briefly tensed when reaching release, but as orgasm took him, he utterly relaxed beneath Haldir. “Ai…” His eyes were still fastened on Haldir and they widened, realizing the silver-haired beauty was swallowing his seed. “Aiya…aah.”
Haldir neatly licked Erestor clean before letting the sated flesh slip from his lips. Purring like a cat, he moved closer to Erestor and buried him in an embrace. Sealing their encounter with a kiss, he waited for Erestor to collect himself.
Realizing Haldir was still hard, Erestor wondered what to do. Haldir had just given him the most shattering orgasm he’d ever had and he felt like he should return the favor. But he wasn’t so sure he could take Haldir into his mouth and bring him to orgasm in that way.
Haldir read all that and more in Erestor’s eyes and gently guided the dark-haired Elf’s hand to his erection. He curled the other’s fingers around his aching flesh and then recommenced kissing him.
Erestor felt relieved, now that he knew what Haldir needed from him. Stroking firmly, he allowed the other Elf’s tongue to entwine with his.
Haldir came after a few firm strokes delivered by Erestor’s hand and he moaned into the other Elf’s mouth, finding release.
And yet, at that moment they both knew their love couldn’t be. Part of Erestor wasn’t present, was with the half-Elf. Still trembling from his release, Haldir wiped away the salty tears that had escaped Erestor’s eyes. “I do love you, lirimaer.”
Erestor’s throat tightened with emotion. “And I love you, Haldir of Lorien, but…”
“Your soul belongs to someone else.”
“I wish it did not.” Erestor meant it. He loved Haldir and knew the sentry would have made him happy. “But the Valar decided differently.”
“I will be content with what you can give me, lirimaer,” said Haldir, remembering his promise to never regret this. “And now, let us sleep.”
Erestor sighed deeply, allowing Haldir to maneuver him onto his side so the silver-haired Elf could spoon up behind. Being held tightly, he quickly fell asleep.
Haldir however, finally allowed a single tear to flow from his hazel eyes and kissed the long, dark hair in front of him and whispered softly, “I love you and will never regret this, melethwain-nín.” (my most beloved.)
Return to Archive | next | previous