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Warning: Slash jokes out the ass. Steven and Liv Tyler jokes, too. Sorry, they're easy to pick on.
Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings doesn't belong to me. Though after seeing it as many times as I have, I should own at least Aragorn's sock or something.
Summary: Title is self-explanatory. What you *won't* find on the DVD special edition. Pure, unadulterated snark. For Morons: A humorous parody of scenes cut from the movie.
Fellowship of the Ring's Deleted Scenes
Aragorn: "Are you frightened?"
Aragorn: "Not nearly enough. I know what hunts you."
Aragorn: "Fangirls. And lots of them. Oh yeah, and nine Ringwraiths, but I can handle those."
Legolas: *dismounts from horse as he arrives in Rivendell and bursts into song* "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!! And witty!! And-"
Peter Jackson: "Cut!!"
Orlando Bloom: "What's wrong? I'm going with the flow of the character, like you said. I was being one with her."
Peter Jackson: "Him, not her. You may find this hard to believe, but Tolkien didn't include those lyrics in the book. How about we just have you stand around, shoot Orcs, and look pretty, okay?"
Aragorn: *kisses Arwen on the lips* AAAAaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHhhhhhh!!!!!
Peter Jackson: "Cut!! What's wrong, Viggo??"
Viggo Mortenson: "Oh my god!! It was horrible!! Horrible!! I kissed Liv Tyler on the lips!! The daughter of Steven Tyler!! I feel nauseous!!" *crew members run up to Viggo with Listerine in hand*
Liv Tyler: "Well, thanks so much. The earth didn't exactly move for me, either."
Viggo Mortenson: *sobbing like a little girl* "I saw her father, I saw him, as I kissed her!! And his lips!! I'm scarred for life!!" *gargles the whole bottle of Listerine*
Liv Tyler: *facing Viggo for the forty-second take of their kissing scene* "Why am I wearing a blond wig again??"
Peter Jackson: *looking exasperated* "So Viggo can pretend it's not you he's kissing."
Viggo Mortenson: *looking very green, and slightly dizzy* "It's no good. I keep picturing her dad."
Peter Jackson: "Okay, okay. Last resort. We'll fade to shadows, and replace Liv with Orlando. At a distance, no one will notice he's a man."
Liv Tyler: "Hell, even close-up you can barely tell he's a man!!" *stomps off in frustration and tosses Orlando's wig back at him*
Viggo Mortenson: *perking up* "Good thinking, Peter. As Aragorn, I deserve to kiss the most beautiful member of the cast."
Aragorn: *backslashes an approaching teenage girl with his sword* That's the fifth Mary Sue trying to join our group that I've had to kill this morning. We haven't even finished breakfast."
Gimli: "And they're all after the pixie boy, too. I say we just give him to them, and pick up another Elven archer in Lothlorien."
Aragorn: *shakes his head* "It's no good. We'll need him for the mines. Besides, what with Arwen being left behind and all, and me not having a chance for sex until the third, possibly the second movie, I'll need someone to help with those lustful urges and everything.*
Boromir: *nods his head in agreement* "I second that motion. He's prettier than Arwen, anyway. I mean, I don't make it past this movie, so I need someone to make my booty calls while I can still get them."
Legolas: *walking by the rest of the Fellowship on top of the snow* "I hear a foul voice in the air!!"
Gandalf: *sweeps his staff out and knocks Legolas off his feet, and the Elf tumbles off the mountain and falls to his death* "Like we need some girly pixie boy telling us that. And walking on the snow while we trudge through it!! The nerve!!"
Aragorn: *looking longingly after Legolas* "But I'll be lonely at night now!"
Peter Jackson: "Cut!! Ian, what have I told you about trying to kill your fellow actors?? Somebody go scrape Elf boy off the rocks!!"
Legolas: "We must leave. We cannot linger."
Aragorn: "Why is it that you have like five lines the whole movie and yet you still manage to sound like a broken record??"
Aragorn: *turns and watches Legolas run across bridge* "Is it just me or does he even run like a girl?"
Boromir: "It's not just you, man. His booty shakes more in this movie than Liv's does, and we all know who *her* dad is."
Aragorn: *turns green* "Please don't remind me."
Frodo: *leans over to look at the mirror and screams in horror*
Galadriel: "I know what you saw. For it is in my mind as well."
Frodo: *panting in fear* "So you saw Aragorn shagging Legolas senseless, too?"
Galadriel: *looks alarmed* "No....aw, damn, I used the wrong water again. Hold on, let me refill the pitcher."
Galadriel: *watches the Fellowship row away* "A great evil has passed from our woods."
Celeborn: "I agree. You should never hold it in. When you gotta fart, just fart."
Galadriel: *sighs* "I was speaking of the One Ring, Celeborn."
Celeborn: "Oh, right. I knew that."
Legolas: "A shadow and a threat keeps growing in my mind-"
Aragorn: "I promise I'll use better lubrication next time. It's not like Elrond gave me a supply of KY when he sent us off, you know."
Legolas: "Look, jackass, I get to speak like five times this whole movie. So stop interrupting me. And I wasn't speaking of the lubrication. You know I like it rough. I'm talking about something big, hairy, and ugly heading our way."
Aragorn: "Gandalf's returned??"
Legolas: *throws his hands up in despair* "I give up! I'm surrounded by idiots!!"
Aragorn: *attacks Lurtz* "It's Steven Tyler!! It's Steven Tyler!! You sick bastard!! I had nightmares about kissing you after kissing your daughter for weeks!!"
Steven Tyler: *pulls off Lurtz mask, little change takes place* "How'dja know it was me?"
Viggo Mortenson: *screams like a little girl* "The hair!! Oh, god, the hair gave you away!! Peter, make the evil go away!!" *cowers behind tree*
Peter Jackson: "Cut!! Okay, so maybe Steven Tyler as Lurtz wasn't the best idea...we need someone less terrifying."
Aragorn: *kisses Boromir's dead forehead* "EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww!!!!!"
Legolas: *runs up to Aragorn in alarm* "What's wrong, Aragorn??"
Aragorn: *wipes mouth* "It was disgusting!!! Does Sean Bean ever wash his damn hair??"
Sean Bean: *opens one eye* "I washed it last month, thank you very much."
Orlando Bloom: *makes disgusted face* "How nasty..."
Viggo Mortenson: "Still, it could have been worse. I could have had to kiss Steven Tyler again."
Orlando Bloom: "That's Liv Tyler. His daughter."
Viggo Mortenson: "Is there a difference? Oh, yeah, one has no musical aptitude whatsoever."
Orlando Bloom: "But we've never seen Liv sing or anything, so we can't judge her musical aptitude, Viggo."
Viggo Mortenson: "I wasn't talking about Liv."
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