The Trouble With Family Dinners

By Kick Flaw


“You…and Sirius?” Perseus boggled.

“Oh! That’s so cute!” Phoebe clapped her hands gleefully. “My anal retentive little brother and the klutzy rogue. Too perfect.”

Jason crossed his arms and scowled. “I think it’s gross.”

“Mmhmm.” Aeneas patted him tolerantly on the back. “You’ll change your mind when you’re older.”

“No, I won’t.”

Mary shushed her petulant son. “You be nice to Remus and Sirius tonight, you hear me? This is a special dinner and I want everything to go smoothly.”

“But Mum, we’ve had Sirius over a hundred times before, why do I have to be nice *tonight*?” He pouted.

Phoebe chuckled. “Because now dear Remmie is dating him, that’s why. Merlin, I still can’t believe you’re gay!” She addressed the last part to Remus, who was huddled in his loyal, cuddly armchair trying to convince himself that this whole fiasco wasn’t happening.

When his parents had asked him to invite Sirius over for a ‘meet-the-family’ dinner, he hadn’t realized that they meant the *whole* family. All five of his siblings, at one table, with his boyfriend, the horror. It was going to be a disaster.

First, there was Phoebe, a successful astrologer and the eldest Lupin child at twenty two years. She wore hand-tailored robes and expensive glamours, ate at all the top-notch wizarding restaurants, owned her own suite in Diagon Alley, and generally felt that her moods should control the world. Insufferably nosy but good-hearted, her resemblance to their mother could be disturbing.

Perseus has just moved in to a microscopic flat with his girlfriend using the money his budding travel business raked in. Nineteen, and about as mature as twelve year old, he was the originator of the ritual creek dunking. Just that afternoon, not ten minutes after his arrival, he’d gotten everybody soaked to the bone in its name. Phoebe’s new robe had been irretrievably ruined.

Echo was thirteen, as clam as a doe, and just as silent. Some twist of irony had stolen her voice before she could leave the womb. Her eyes possessed more peace than a motionless pond - one look soothed the most tormented soul. Hogwarts wasn’t for her; she’d chosen to apprentice herself to the village apothecary. Already her aptitude with plants promised a successful career.

Ten year old Jason scowled more than he smiled, and he rarely left his room. No one entered as well, except Echo. He was a secretive, enigmatic, sullen little boy with a penchant for morbidity. Still, the family hoped it was a phase - a very long phase. Preadolescents were changeable creatures.

And finally, Melopmene. She was like a tiny bird, flitting and singing and causing endless amounts of trouble. It was her fault Remus was in this mess in the first place. A seven year old ball of beautiful chaos.

Remus rubbed his temples. Over, if it would just be *over*. Adding Sirius to the lot of them could only breed one thing - humiliation. For him. Why was he the only sane one? Him, of all people.

“I’m not gay.” He corrected Phoebe. He didn’t actually know, maybe he was gay, but he certainly didn’t fell like agreeing with any of them right now. Bunch of lunatics.

“I’m going to my room.” Glowered Jason.

Mary grabbed him by the back of his shirt. “You’re staying right here.”

“But *Mum*--”

The doorbell rang.

Anticipation silenced the living room; everyone went still.

“It’s him!” Phoebe whispered conspiratorially.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake!” Remus rolled his eyes. “Stay here, the lot of you. And try, for my sake, to be normal? Please?”

He waited until he was sure that they’d remain in the living room, then headed for the atrium. Their lunacy must have been getting to him. He could swear his heart was pounding. This was Sirius! Someone he’d known for six years and dated for the better part of one! Relax, he had to relax. It wasn’t as if her was trying to impress anybody. A few hours and it would be over, and he could have Sirius all to himself. Alone. In his room. In his *bed*.

Keeping that happy thought in mind, he answered the door.

Sirius opened his mouth to say hello and moved to enter the house, but Remus had shoved him back and kissed him, slamming the door behind them, before he could do either.

“Hi.” He gasped when the light-haired boy was done tonguing him.

Remus clutched Sirius’ hair and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead into the other boy’s neck. “Save me.” he moaned.

“Aww,” Sirius stroked his back, “they aren’t that bad.”

“You have *no* idea.”

“Um…don’t tell me that, ok?” A twinge of nervousness crept into the blue eyed boy’s voice.

“I’m sorry.” Apologized Remus as he lightly kissed Sirius’ shoulder. “You’re probably already on edge.”

“I *wasn’t*, but now I’m worried. And it’s all your fault. I think you better make it up to me.” Sirius grinned and arched his eyebrows, eliciting a laugh from his boyfriend.

“Later.” Remus promised. “Actually, I need you to…you know…” he knew he looked embarrassed.


“Suspend the touching.” A finder over lips hushed Sirius’ offended protest. “Please. They’re ok with ‘us’ as a concept, but the reality has yet to penetrate. Pun not intended.”

Sirius sighed, kissing the pad of Remus’ finger. “Ok. It’ll be tough though.”

“That’s why I arranged for us to sit next to each other. It we’re careful,” Remus smiled, “they’ll never know what’s going on underneath the table. Sound good?”

“Very good. I love it when you’re smutty and devious!” exclaimed Sirius before he locked their mouths once more, for luck. Remus laughed into the kiss. Had he been nervous? Suddenly everything except the boy kissing him to hotly went fuzzy. There was nothing to be nervous about, not with Sirius loving him like that. Who cared how the night went as long as this inexplicable, glorious feeling shot through him?”

He didn’t.


He took it back. He did.

“So, how did you figure out you were gay?” Phoebe pried. She’d been at it since he’d led Sirius into the house, honing in on every tiny detail. She seemed particularly hung up on this gay thing. And no one was helping. Perseus chortled, his parents smiled politely, Jason glared, Echo petted the flower decorations, and Melly hummed ‘Kissing In a Tree’ constantly. Lunatics.

He was in hell.

Of course, Sirius fit right in. His boyfriend had no trouble parrying each question Phoebe threw his way, while laughing with Perseus, cracking jokes at Jason, and making faces at Echo or Melly sporadically. Remus kept his gaze as best he could on his fascinating dinner. Roast beef. Wow. Merlin, help him.

“I’m not gay.” Sirius said after swallowing a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

“Well, you’re obviously not straight.”

“Not that either. I’m Remus-sexual.”

The other Lupins laughed, again taken up in his bubbling charm. Even Remus found himself letting a slip of a smile through. Sirius could be so sweet sometimes, and he sure had a knack for breaking the ice -or melting it.

“Wow. Remus what did you do to deserve him?” Perseus prodded his brother. “I’ve got to remember some of these lines!”

“Honestly, I don’t know why I’m still with him.” Sirius simpered, as he assumed the role of a beleaguered middle ager with husband problems, all woeful and melodramatically tragic. “He doesn’t appreciate me. It’s like he’s not there anymore.”

Not so sweet. Remus viciously took a bite of his meat. Over, over, over, soon, please, so he could beat his oh-so-funny boyfriend brainless. Or fuck him brainless. Either way. Sirius trailed caressing fingers up and down his inner thing under the table maddeningly.

Phoebe buttered her roll. “How did you discover you liked each other?”

“Now that’s an interesting story. You know how Remus get terribly annoyed when you ask him the same thing over and over, so much so that he cracks?” Nods. “One day I was pestering him about who he had a crush on and bam! There it was. We started dating the next weekend.”

“What he’s forgetting to mention,” Remus corrected sarcastically, “is that he got a mild concussion when he fell off of the bed in surprise and spent a day and a half in the infirmary, then he *tricked* me into asking him out. Trust me, I had no intentions of that.”

Sirius smiled at him, warmth in his blue-bright eyes. “I’m glad I did.”

He would not kiss that smile. He would not kiss those lips. Damn it, why did Sirius have to be so…infuriatingly wonderful?

“Aww…” Cooed Phoebe. “What was your first date like?”

“Phoebe…” Aeneus warned, but Sirius waved him down.

“I don’t mind.” He said, and took a moment to stick his tongue out at Melly, who giggled. “Another funny one, that. I--”

Remus interrupted. “He spent the entire night treating me like one of the many idiot females he’d taken out before, until I just *had* to push him into a thorn bush and remind him that, technically, *I* was taking *him* out.”

Snerking, Perseus choked on his butterbeer. “Very romantic.”

Sirius’ caress turned into a massage, causing Remus to shift uncomfortably. Good…good…no, bad, bad! He mentally slapped himself.

“I thought it was. He fixed up all my scratches later.”

“Did he kiss them better?” Teased Phoebe.

“No,” a chuckle, “that came later.”


Mary frowned at her over-curious daughter. “Really, Phoebe, let the boys alone. They can barely eat.”

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Remus fervently thought. He wasn’t blushing yet but if things progressed at this rate his romantic life would be on the table and he’d be as red as a lobster.

“It’s ok.” Merlin, did Sirius have *no* sense of privacy? “I kind of like remembering everything. Makes me all warm.” More coos. Remus pushed his plate away and let his head sink onto his arm -he should just give up now. “Remus was trying to teach me how to skip rocks on the lake late one night and I, being the klutz that I am, accidentally let the stone he gave me go before I should. It flew straight into his face and cut him right,” Sirius touched the soft flesh between his nose and upper lip, “around here. I kissed it as an apology. Next thing we knew we were really kissing. It was…amazing,”

Remus couldn’t stop a full smile this time. Sirius was right, there was a nice feeling to be had in remembering all of their relationship foibles and firsts. That night had been truly amazing - the first of many kisses they’d shared. A revelation. How he’d ever lived without kissing Sirius was beyond his considerable comprehension.

“So you two have kissed. Have you ever, you know, had sex?”

Leave to Phoebe to pry the evening to shatters.

Mary gasped, cupping her hands over Melly’s ears. Aeneas went deadly still, and even Perseus failed to find humor in the break with decorum. Echo stared at her sister in shock, doe-eyes wide.

Jason cackled. That was Jason for you.

“That’s none of your business!” Remus exclaimed, jerking up. The hand he’d kept on Sirius’ knee all night flew up and balled into an angry fist on the table. “How dare you! All night I’ve sat here and let you pick apart our relationship but that’s too much! I can’t believe you would ask that!”

This was highly unusual. Remus didn’t *get* angry. But now he was seeing red.

“Remus.” Sirius said lowly.

“Don’t you have any respect for privacy!?”


Phoebe leaned forward: “So you have?”

“Bloody hell!” Remus made to fling himself across the table at his gleeful sister.

Sirius held him, gripping his hand tightly. “Remus, *please*.” He looked up at his enrage boyfriend pleadingly. Slowly, breathing hard, Remus nodded, but glared hotly at Phoebe when the other boy tugged him back into his seat. Sirius turned to the Lupins, squeezing Remus’ fingers, and said calmly. ‘No, we’ve never had sex.”

There was a collective sigh of relief.

“We have made love, but that’s entirely different.”

This time, no explosion.

Something…something in Sirius’ voice prevented the violent eruption that such knowledge should have elicited. He was serious, and he adamant, and he was…deep.

“We *love* each other.”

In the quiet that followed, he lifted the arm entwined with Remus’ and gently kissed the light-haired boy’s hand. Remus swallowed tears around a joyous ache. Was it legal to be so blindingly happy?

Eventually, Aeneas placed a hand on his son’s other arm and smiled. “Hold on to that.” He gravely advised. “It’s a precious, fleeting gift. It must be fought for.”

Both boys nodded, fingers tangled so you couldn’t tell one hand from the other.

“Who’s on top?” Phoebe continued. Despite everything. Lunacy.

Remus hot out of his chair. “We’ll just head to my room now. Good night.”

“Me!” Sirius called as he was dragged out of the room.


Sirius didn’t even have a chance to chuckle before he was flung onto the unmade mess of pillows, sheets, and blankets that made up his boyfriend’s bed. Remus tumbled on top of him for a deep, licking kiss.

“Mmm. Déjà vu.” Mumble-moaned Sirius, grinning.

Levering himself up on his hands, Remus stared down at the red-lipped boy through his fringe of light hair. “Who’s on top again? I’m afraid I didn’t catch your answer.” He asked dangerously.

Sirius’ grin widened. “Me, naturally. There are rules you know. I --” he stopped, lifting his head when Remus sat back on his heels and began to unbutton his boyfriend’s tousled robes. “What are you doing?”

“Continue.” Intent hands worked their way down.

Shrugging, Sirius let his head fall back. “Where was I?”


“Ah yes, rules. The top is always the taller one with the more athletic background. If one of the partners is more experienced sexually, that’s the top as well. Top’s are seductive -they initiate. Bottoms -hey!”

Remus smiled at him innocently as he threw his well-worn muffle jeans and faded boxers over his shoulder. “You were saying?”

Suspicious now, the dark-haired wizard eyed him, but eventually sagged back and continued once more. “Bottoms are shorter, more naïve, and passive usually. Hence the bottom role. They’re more withdrawn. I’ll admit that paler skin is typically a bottom characteristic, but you get away with being tanner because my genetics work against us. Do you see? We have stereotypes to fulfill. I’m taller, outgoing, aggressive -the top. You’re short, passive and shy, a natural bottom. Face it, you’re my bitch. It’s the natural order of--fuck!”

His boyfriend had pressed a slim, wet finger inside him and took the opportunity to twist it and smirk. Sirius moaned, writhing a little.

“What was that about me being your bitch?” murmured Remus ferally as he bent in close, forcing Sirius’ legs wide, rubbing.

Sirius grabbed him by the neck and pulled him down. “Fuck me.” He groaned, unashamed.

“Yes. That’s what I *thought* you said.” And Remus commenced exacting his revenge.



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