When he died, I laughed.
Horrible, right? Hermione whispered it to me quietly, expecting a nod and a frown perhaps, or even an expression of regret.
Draco Malfoy was dead. Killed by his own father for daring to deny the Dark Mark. He died bravely, and courageously, and I laughed at the downright Gryffindor quality of the whole thing. The idea that he would lower himself to do something so human as dying was ludicrous.
Beauty and grace is what touches me most
Good time can put me in fear
I always feel safe when things are bad
So I cannot let you come near
Draco was a constant in my life. He couldn’t just be there one day and then not be the next. That wasn’t how it was supposed to work. I half expected the sky to start falling down around my ears, but it didn’t. The world kept turning. And no one even stopped to think that maybe it shouldn’t have.
It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings
Now you come and bring out the tears in me
Oh, I laughed. I laughed until tears ran down my face, until my sides hurt and I couldn’t breath. I laughed so long Hermione was by turns scandalized and shocked and frightened. I laughed as white spots filled my vision, as the world pitched and righted itself, till my lungs seared from the lack of air and my head hurt from the lack of oxygen. But I still kept laughing.
Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does
It’s so strange to watch your life walk by
Wishing it was
Wishing it was more like a fantasy
Maybe I laughed because I used all my real tears up long ago, because Draco should have been remembered with at least some sham of happiness, not some salty bitterness that was all too reminiscent of what our real relationship had been like. I laughed at the sheer waste of human life, at the pride of the kind of man who would kill his own son. Mostly I laughed because I loved Draco, and I could never cry for something that never was.
Where every day surprises me
Wishing it was
I couldn’t cry for something that never would be. I knew I could swear, I could beg, I could plead. I could scour the world for a magic that could bring him back to me. None would. Nothing would change. Nothing would ever change. There was nothing to do. Nothing to do but laugh.
Give this some thought
And I’m sure you will know
This is the way it must be
Lord, did I laugh.
Emotions will rise, emotions will flow
You bring out the tears in me
Lyrics from ‘Wishing It Was’, by Santana & Eagle-Eye Cherry
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