It Must Be
It must beÖ
Sheís not here.
What do you mean?
I mean sheís left the school for the weekend, with the others.
ÖOh. Iím sorry Hermione.
I sat with Cho outside on the grass, one night, during dinner. I couldnít help it; I sat outside, thinking about her and how stupid she was to leave Hogwarts, when Cho sat down next to me. I donít know Cho Chang very well; sheís older than me, and I only know her through Tutor Group.
Itís funny, all she did was sit down next to me and I spilt everything. My tears were pouring down my face and I was sniffing so much by the end Iím surprised I was still coherent. I told Cho about Pansy, about how I talked to Harry for a long time and wondered about myself, and I couldnít help myself when she came to me.
I still donít know the reason after all this time
And how I would dream about perfect parts of her: her hands, her golden curls between my fingers, her lips, her eyelashes brushing against my thigh. Her mouth was like a dream, tongue like crackle of electricity jolting me to another world, and those lipsÖ I would spend all day waiting for eleven oíclock, Astronomy Tower, just to have them on me again. It never made any sense, because instead of taking notes in History of Magic, I was drawing her curves. They looked just like lines on parchment, mere scribbles, but I knew better.
Haha. Thatís not like you!
Iím all alone but see it comes at no surprise
It was all about her skin on mine, her hips digging into my flesh and her teeth biting my neck. She claimed me so many times, and here I was thinking I was claiming her too, when she was already claimed by not just one, but two.
But then, later, that nightÖ I wanted none of her skin. It didnít belong to me, I had realized by then, so she left. Oh God, you bitch.
It seems that I go left each time that love goes right
I was happy. We had gone to her dorm the night before and well, I came so many times, but you probably donít want to hear that, do you?
No no! Heh, tell me. Itís okay, itís just making me a bit randy.
It doesnít matter Hermione. Finish your story.
Something happens every time I get a chance
Harry and Seamus were making eyes at each other. Again. I couldnít help but giggle at Ronís obliviousness. We were sitting at the table at breakfast, when the owls came in through the windows, and Harry looked over Seamusí shoulder at the Slytherin table. He glared, of course, as Malfoy got his usually sweets from home.
But Malfoy got a second letter. I was curious, so Harry and I stared without really meaning to.
Malfoy opened the letter. He did his little act, you know, his face blank as he read, but his eyebrows rose just a little bit, and then to my surprise, he handed the letter to Pansy. She went absolutely pale, and her amber eyes snapped up to mine. She was upset, and I was upset because she was upset, then Harry was upset because I was upset, then Seamus was upset because Harry was upsetÖ
Anyway, Ron was oblivious to everything as usual, and Malfoy was looking at Pansy with what I suppose for him, would be sympathy though it just it just looked like his face softened a bit. He and Harry were the only two that knew about Pansy and I, you see. A Mudblood and a Pureblood; who would have known? Both girls too, fuck.
ÖSorry, Iíll continue. Didnít mean to swear like that.
Another surprise, but I bet it killed you that Malfoy knew.
No, heís Pansyís best friend. I wanted her to be able to confide in someone, even if it was that pompous arse.
I feel the rhythm but I just donít know the dance
She wouldnít tell me what was in the letter. That was the first of a series of secrets she kept from me. I couldnít help it; I started to distance myself. Making love to her wasnít the same. She knew it, and when she tried to it bring up with me but I always ran away. To be honest, I didnít understand myself. Why should I care? I shouldnít have cared so much! Itís not like we could get married in the future or anything.
I want to move with you but something holds me back
One night she stood me up and to be honest, at the time I was tired and I didnít particularly care. I just assumed she had an assignment to finish or something, but I really should have cared becauseÖ
I went back to the Common Room late, and I saw Harry and Seamus curled up together on the couch. It was so cute, really, but it made me ache. I missed her, and I was so mad at myself! What was it I was feeling?
It must beÖ love.
I used to always be in control of my life. My studies, my grades, my family, even my friends. I always tried really hard to meet a satisfactory end but this time it felt hazy and blurry and for once I couldnít see the end. For once I didnít know what to do.
All I ever needed I can never find
So I said to myself, do something Hermione! So I went to go talk to her. I woke Harry up from where he was lying with Seamus on the couch and he leant me his Invisibility Cloak and I snuck into the girls dorms and waited for. It was weird, none of the girls were in the dorm and it was very early morning.
She came in and I was about to take the cloak off when a whole groups of friends followed her in too, including some older years and some boys. They were all tired looking, but happy. Malfoy stood in front of everyone and told them to be quiet.
All I ever wanted is to get it right
I just wanted to see her; I didnít want to see that. I didnít want to see Malfoy ask her to step up to him as he performed a charm on his Marked arm, then do the same thing to her.
I saw it, on her arm. Dark, on red raw skin and she winced as Malfoy performed a concealing charm on the Dark Mark, so all that was seen there was milky white, unblemished skin. I wanted to vomit, and I nearly did. I had to sit there in the corner of the Slytherin Fifth-year Girls Dorm as student after student stood up to Malfoy and held up their arms.
Somebody tell me what is wrong with me
Was that what was in the letter?
Well I wasnít sure at the time, but no, the letter was different. I left eventually, and pushed it to the back of my mind and told no one. Not until tonight of course. You canít tell anyone!
I wasnít sure but I know now
I hated myself because I avoided her for a while, but then I went back, and thatís when I saw it on her. No, not the Mark; it was still concealed.
I know exactly what is missing in my life
The content of the letter was about marriage. Apparently, the Malfoys and Parkinsons had come to an Ďagreementí of sorts. Malfoy was probably happy about it; an arranged marriage with your best friend isnít the worst thing in the world, but I was angry. She kept it from me! She wouldnít tell me. I had to see the ring on her finger.
Something for sure something pure maybe a wife
She belonged to Malfoy. What a kick in the head. It made me realize: our futures are drawing very near, and I canít run around with someone like Pansy Parkinson as a girlfriend. It wasnít practical.
But then Iím out the door before the morning light
So I broke it off, and hoped never to talk to her again.
It must beÖ love donít.
Ron still doesnít know, but I went to Harry and cried. Harry noticed that Malfoy was happy with the arrangement; shouldnít he have been upset to marry someone he didnít love in that way? Someone who slept with women and not men? Trust Harry to notice that Malfoy is gay. Like I care about those two Slytherins. They deserve each other, I say. I withdrew from people. I was hurt.
Iím so afraid Iím always going to be this way
Of course, all I did was study, really, and Ron and I got a bit closer I suppose. I had been ignoring him lately. He was annoying me about Viktor before but then he must have let it go, finally. I dated him briefly, which wasnít very fair on him.
Relationships only to pass the time away
I ended it too early, and he was pretty heartbroken about that, sorry to say. Harry and Seamus didnít go very far either; not then anyway. Theyíre together now, but this was back then.
Fear of commitment is a habit hard to break
I refused to be near anyone after that. I had stopped hugging and kissing Harry, you know. I didnít want anyone to touch me. Iíd flinch when someone did, even when walking to class through a crowded corridor. I hated myself for it, and I missed Pansy.
It must beÖ love donít love.
And I was lonely.
All I ever wanted was some happiness
Pansy would often give me Ďpuppy-dogí looks, and it hurt and annoyed me at the same time. How dare she! I was happy for the summer holidays to come. For once, I was happy to leave school. There was too much teenaged angst I couldnít handle so I said goodbye to all my friends and went home to my parents.
Take it to a level thatís above the rest
Harry wrote in one of his letters about Malfoy and Pansy, about how maybe she accepted marriage so that she could be with me, because only Malfoy could understand and itís important for both families for their members to marry and keep the bloodline. When I read it, my stomach flopped, but then it plummeted when I realized it was way too late to think of such things. Besides, it was ridiculous, really. When I get older I want a real marriage, not all this sneaking around behind a fake commitment. Itís better this way. Better to end it now, so that later I could enjoy a real relationship with someone less unstable.
I want to know I was supposed to be
One night after dinner at my parentsí house, I went up to my room and got a huge fright. Pansy Parkinson was sitting on my window sill.
I want to feel something real
I wanted to be happy to see her, I wanted to feel like I should hug her, or kiss her or something. But really, I was just angry. How dare she come into my bedroom like that! And at my muggle parentsí home! And she was smirking. It was infuriating.
Granger, she had said as she jumped off the sill into my room and came up to me. Kiss me, she said. I really wanted to want to kiss her. The room was dark; I hadnít put the lights on and I was sure my eyes were covered in darkness. I didnít move, and her smirk faltered.
Someone teach my heart to fall in love again
It was then that she touched me. She touched my shoulders, my breasts, all the while trying to search out my eyes in the darkness, but I stayed absolutely still. I wouldnít let her have me. I wasnít hers to love anymore. She traced the band of my track pants then pushed her hand inside, to touch me. I was dry, and when she realized this she pulled her hand out, and quickly pressed her lips to mine. It was a kiss with such sadness, such loneliness, and when she pulled away the look on her face was like that too. The look of someone betrayed. But I was the one who was betrayed, not her. She had no right to look at me like that.
All I have to fear fears itself
She went back onto the sill, and picked up her broom. Sitting, she looked back over to me and gave me a small smile. I didnít move; I couldnít. I thought that if I move even a small muscle I may betray my hurt somehow, or express my anger in a way I may regret later. She said: By the way, I came here to tell you that theyíre coming in about an hour. So pack some things and flee this place with your family and donít come back.
And with that, she left.
I know that I was born to love one woman
So thatís my story, and half the Slytherins arenít in the Great Hall tonight because theyíve gone to a Death Eater meeting. She and Malfoy are there, of course. But that night, when she came to my house, it was during the summer holidays months ago. I donít understand why Iím crying now, on your shoulderÖ Iím sorry ChoÖ
Like I said Hermione, itís okay, I donít mind, and I promise I wonít tell anyone.
Can I kiss you?
Not tonight, Cho. It wouldnít be right.
But why must I keep running through the rest
So I sat with Cho as she held me in her arms, and I wanted the tears to go away.
It must beÖ love donít love me.
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