It must be…

She’s not here.

What do you mean?

I mean she’s left the school for the weekend, with the others.

…Oh.  I’m sorry Hermione.

I sat with Cho outside on the grass, one night, during dinner.  I couldn’t help it; I sat outside, thinking about her and how stupid she was to leave Hogwarts, when Cho sat down next to me.  I don’t know Cho Chang very well; she’s older than me, and I only know her through Tutor Group.

It’s funny, all she did was sit down next to me and I spilt everything.  My tears were pouring down my face and I was sniffing so much by the end I’m surprised I was still coherent.  I told Cho about Pansy, about how I talked to Harry for a long time and wondered about myself, and I couldn’t help myself when she came to me. 

I still don’t know the reason after all this time 

And how I would dream about perfect parts of her: her hands, her golden curls between my fingers, her lips, her eyelashes brushing against my thigh.  Her mouth was like a dream, tongue like crackle of electricity jolting me to another world, and those lips… I would spend all day waiting for eleven o’clock, Astronomy Tower, just to have them on me again.  It never made any sense, because instead of taking notes in History of Magic, I was drawing her curves.  They looked just like lines on parchment, mere scribbles, but I knew better. 

Haha.  That’s not like you!

I’m all alone but see it comes at no surprise 

Indeed.

It was all about her skin on mine, her hips digging into my flesh and her teeth biting my neck.  She claimed me so many times, and here I was thinking I was claiming her too, when she was already claimed by not just one, but two.

But then, later, that night… I wanted none of her skin.  It didn’t belong to me, I had realized by then, so she left.  Oh God, you bitch. 

It seems that I go left each time that love goes right 

I was happy.  We had gone to her dorm the night before and well, I came so many times, but you probably don’t want to hear that, do you?

No no!  Heh, tell me.  It’s okay, it’s just making me a bit randy.

Pardon?

It doesn’t matter Hermione.  Finish your story. 

Something happens every time I get a chance 

Harry and Seamus were making eyes at each other.  Again.  I couldn’t help but giggle at Ron’s obliviousness.  We were sitting at the table at breakfast, when the owls came in through the windows, and Harry looked over Seamus’ shoulder at the Slytherin table.  He glared, of course, as Malfoy got his usually sweets from home.

But Malfoy got a second letter.  I was curious, so Harry and I stared without really meaning to.

Malfoy opened the letter.  He did his little act, you know, his face blank as he read, but his eyebrows rose just a little bit, and then to my surprise, he handed the letter to Pansy.  She went absolutely pale, and her amber eyes snapped up to mine.  She was upset, and I was upset because she was upset, then Harry was upset because I was upset, then Seamus was upset because Harry was upset…

Anyway, Ron was oblivious to everything as usual, and Malfoy was looking at Pansy with what I suppose for him, would be sympathy though it just it just looked like his face softened a bit.  He and Harry were the only two that knew about Pansy and I, you see.  A Mudblood and a Pureblood; who would have known?  Both girls too, fuck.

Hermione…

…Sorry, I’ll continue.  Didn’t mean to swear like that.

Another surprise, but I bet it killed you that Malfoy knew.

No, he’s Pansy’s best friend.  I wanted her to be able to confide in someone, even if it was that pompous arse.

I feel the rhythm but I just don’t know the dance 

She wouldn’t tell me what was in the letter.  That was the first of a series of secrets she kept from me.  I couldn’t help it; I started to distance myself.  Making love to her wasn’t the same.  She knew it, and when she tried to it bring up with me but I always ran away.  To be honest, I didn’t understand myself.  Why should I care?  I shouldn’t have cared so much!  It’s not like we could get married in the future or anything. 

I want to move with you but something holds me back 

One night she stood me up and to be honest, at the time I was tired and I didn’t particularly care.  I just assumed she had an assignment to finish or something, but I really should have cared because…

I went back to the Common Room late, and I saw Harry and Seamus curled up together on the couch.  It was so cute, really, but it made me ache.  I missed her, and I was so mad at myself!  What was it I was feeling? 

It must be… love. 

I used to always be in control of my life.  My studies, my grades, my family, even my friends.  I always tried really hard to meet a satisfactory end but this time it felt hazy and blurry and for once I couldn’t see the end.  For once I didn’t know what to do. 

All I ever needed I can never find

So I said to myself, do something Hermione!  So I went to go talk to her.  I woke Harry up from where he was lying with Seamus on the couch and he leant me his Invisibility Cloak and I snuck into the girls dorms and waited for.  It was weird, none of the girls were in the dorm and it was very early morning.

She came in and I was about to take the cloak off when a whole groups of friends followed her in too, including some older years and some boys.  They were all tired looking, but happy.  Malfoy stood in front of everyone and told them to be quiet.

All I ever wanted is to get it right 

I just wanted to see her; I didn’t want to see that.  I didn’t want to see Malfoy ask her to step up to him as he performed a charm on his Marked arm, then do the same thing to her.

I saw it, on her arm.  Dark, on red raw skin and she winced as Malfoy performed a concealing charm on the Dark Mark, so all that was seen there was milky white, unblemished skin.  I wanted to vomit, and I nearly did.  I had to sit there in the corner of the Slytherin Fifth-year Girls Dorm as student after student stood up to Malfoy and held up their arms. 

Somebody tell me what is wrong with me 

Was that what was in the letter?

Well I wasn’t sure at the time, but no, the letter was different.  I left eventually, and pushed it to the back of my mind and told no one.  Not until tonight of course.  You can’t tell anyone!

I promise.

Alright. 

I wasn’t sure but I know now 

I hated myself because I avoided her for a while, but then I went back, and that’s when I saw it on her.  No, not the Mark; it was still concealed. 

I know exactly what is missing in my life 

The content of the letter was about marriage.  Apparently, the Malfoys and Parkinsons had come to an ‘agreement’ of sorts.  Malfoy was probably happy about it; an arranged marriage with your best friend isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I was angry.  She kept it from me!  She wouldn’t tell me.  I had to see the ring on her finger.

Something for sure something pure maybe a wife 

She belonged to Malfoy.  What a kick in the head. It made me realize: our futures are drawing very near, and I can’t run around with someone like Pansy Parkinson as a girlfriend.  It wasn’t practical.  

But then I’m out the door before the morning light 

So I broke it off, and hoped never to talk to her again. 

It must be… love don’t. 

Ron still doesn’t know, but I went to Harry and cried.  Harry noticed that Malfoy was happy with the arrangement; shouldn’t he have been upset to marry someone he didn’t love in that way?  Someone who slept with women and not men?  Trust Harry to notice that Malfoy is gay.  Like I care about those two Slytherins.  They deserve each other, I say.  I withdrew from people.  I was hurt. 

I’m so afraid I’m always going to be this way 

Of course, all I did was study, really, and Ron and I got a bit closer I suppose.  I had been ignoring him lately.  He was annoying me about Viktor before but then he must have let it go, finally.  I dated him briefly, which wasn’t very fair on him.

Relationships only to pass the time away 

I ended it too early, and he was pretty heartbroken about that, sorry to say.  Harry and Seamus didn’t go very far either; not then anyway.  They’re together now, but this was back then. 

Fear of commitment is a habit hard to break 

I refused to be near anyone after that.  I had stopped hugging and kissing Harry, you know.  I didn’t want anyone to touch me.  I’d flinch when someone did, even when walking to class through a crowded corridor.  I hated myself for it, and I missed Pansy. 

It must be… love don’t love. 

And I was lonely. 

All I ever wanted was some happiness 

Pansy would often give me ‘puppy-dog’ looks, and it hurt and annoyed me at the same time.  How dare she!  I was happy for the summer holidays to come.  For once, I was happy to leave school.  There was too much teenaged angst I couldn’t handle so I said goodbye to all my friends and went home to my parents.

Take it to a level that’s above the rest 

Harry wrote in one of his letters about Malfoy and Pansy, about how maybe she accepted marriage so that she could be with me, because only Malfoy could understand and it’s important for both families for their members to marry and keep the bloodline.  When I read it, my stomach flopped, but then it plummeted when I realized it was way too late to think of such things.  Besides, it was ridiculous, really.  When I get older I want a real marriage, not all this sneaking around behind a fake commitment.  It’s better this way.  Better to end it now, so that later I could enjoy a real relationship with someone less unstable. 

I want to know I was supposed to be 

One night after dinner at my parents’ house, I went up to my room and got a huge fright.  Pansy Parkinson was sitting on my window sill. 

I want to feel something real 

I wanted to be happy to see her, I wanted to feel like I should hug her, or kiss her or something.  But really, I was just angry.  How dare she come into my bedroom like that!  And at my muggle parents’ home!  And she was smirking.  It was infuriating.

Granger, she had said as she jumped off the sill into my room and came up to me.  Kiss me, she said.  I really wanted to want to kiss her.  The room was dark; I hadn’t put the lights on and I was sure my eyes were covered in darkness.  I didn’t move, and her smirk faltered. 

Someone teach my heart to fall in love again 

It was then that she touched me.  She touched my shoulders, my breasts, all the while trying to search out my eyes in the darkness, but I stayed absolutely still.  I wouldn’t let her have me.  I wasn’t hers to love anymore.  She traced the band of my track pants then pushed her hand inside, to touch me.  I was dry, and when she realized this she pulled her hand out, and quickly pressed her lips to mine.  It was a kiss with such sadness, such loneliness, and when she pulled away the look on her face was like that too.  The look of someone betrayed.  But I was the one who was betrayed, not her.  She had no right to look at me like that.

All I have to fear fears itself 

She went back onto the sill, and picked up her broom.  Sitting, she looked back over to me and gave me a small smile.  I didn’t move; I couldn’t.  I thought that if I move even a small muscle I may betray my hurt somehow, or express my anger in a way I may regret later.  She said: By the way, I came here to tell you that they’re coming in about an hour.  So pack some things and flee this place with your family and don’t come back.

And with that, she left. 

I know that I was born to love one woman 

So that’s my story, and half the Slytherins aren’t in the Great Hall tonight because they’ve gone to a Death Eater meeting.  She and Malfoy are there, of course.  But that night, when she came to my house, it was during the summer holidays months ago.  I don’t understand why I’m crying now, on your shoulder… I’m sorry Cho…

Like I said Hermione, it’s okay, I don’t mind, and I promise I won’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

Hermione?

Yes?

Can I kiss you?

Not tonight, Cho.  It wouldn’t be right.

But why must I keep running through the rest 

So I sat with Cho as she held me in her arms, and I wanted the tears to go away. 

It must be… love don’t love me.

-fin-

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