Author's Notes: I wrote this in a fit of amusement at the state of fics in the fandom one night. "Wow." Yep.
Disclaimer: I don't own these folks. Nope.
Extracurricular: a Parody
By Ivy Blossom
"Now." Dumbledore began. "It has come to my attention that the world is out of alignment. If we don't take action immediately, the entire planet will fall into the sun. Do you understand?"
Draco and Harry stared at him. They had been pulled out of Potions class, and had run, forthwith, behind Professor McGonagall all the way to Dumbledore's office, where she whispered the password ("Edible panties") and shoved them inside. Dumbledore, munching on a chocolate, indicated that they should sit. Since Draco had nudged Harry's elbow just as he was adding the partridge blood to the essence of pear tree a mere twenty minutes prior, Harry was certainly in no mood to share much of anything with Draco, least of all the last few moments of his life.
They blinked at him. "Apocalypse." Dumbledore continued. "The world is about to end. Perhaps it's for the best, but I can't help but feel sentimental. And while feeling sentimental, I realized that there is in fact one way to stop it from happening." He tugged thoughtfully at his beard. Harry and Draco blinked again. "There is something that will re-align the world and save us from a fiery death, though I know it will not be easy." Dumbledore reached into a jar and pulled out a candy, which he popped into his mouth.
Harry and Draco went on blinking. "Yes, there's just one way. Boys, the two of you must have sex."
Harry and Draco both moved to rub their ears. "What?" They said at the same time.
"Yes, you heard me. You two must engage in lewd acts with each other, or else we will all die. I've arranged for the astronomy tower to be equipped with a bed. I even put some satin sheets on it myself."
"You have GOT to be kidding me." Draco scoffed. "When my father hears about this, he"
"Mr. Malfoy. The world will be destroyed by the time an owl could get to your father. There would be no more owls by that time, fact. The world will careen into the sun in approximately forty-five minutes unless you two scurry up to the astronomy tower and get down to it. So to speak. So unless you have any other questions " Dumbledore turned, picking up a large book beside him. "And I had so hoped to finish this book some day."
"So, we have to, um, actually " Harry stammered.
"I was fairly sure that I was clear on that point, Mr. Potter. I realize this is a startling thing to hear, but yes indeed. Mr. Malfoy and yourself must engage in coitus resulting in the mutual emission of"
"I get it, Professor Dumbledore. Please." Draco was wincing, holding up his hands to prevent further disturbing sounds from entering his ears.
Well, they hardly had much choice. With the encouraging arms of Dumbledore shooing them out toward the astronomy tower, they left to save the world.
They arrived at the Astronomy tower in stony silence, noting the oddly placed bed with red satin bedding. There was a small gift package on top of the bed, and mints had been thoughtfully placed on the pillows. Harry sat on the bed in a huff. Malfoy scowled and groaned as if the world was about to end. Which, in fact, it was.
"I can't believe I'm even saying this, but I'd rather fuck you than die. This is so sick, why you, of all people? Why not well, why not some pretty young thing from Ravenclaw?"
"I'm not any more pleased about it, Malfoy, but we don't have much time for our usual flirtation-disguised-as-animosity." Harry picked up the gift pack and unwrapped it. "What is all this stuff?" He picked up a dusty jar of Wizzie-Glide ("Go ahead. Wake the Neighbours! They Know how to use a Silencing Spell!") and stared at it incomprehensibly. Draco laughed.
"Oh this is priceless. Well, get your clothes off and bend over, Potter. If I have to do this, I don't want to have to see your face." Draco loosened his tie, and pulled it over his head while kicking off his shoes.
"Hold on! Why do I have to be the girl? You're the pretty boy!" Harry rubbed his behind absently, inadvertently watching Draco unbutton his shirt and dropped it.
"Potter. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm under the impression that your sexual experience is, shall we say, limited?" Draco unbuttons his pants, dropped them to the floor, and stepped out of them. He stood elegantly in front of Harry in black briefs with green dragons embroidered on them. Harry's eyes were fixed on the dragons.
"Yes, that's as I expected. " Draco rubbed his hands together. "Virginal Harry Potter ass, just what every Evil Boy wants for breakfast. Oh, don't look at me like that. It won't be that bad, I'll go easy on you. Don't lose that Wizzie-Glide, though. Now strip."
Harry looked up at the clock conveniently placed beside the bed. It read "You have 35 minutes to shoot your load, Harry Potter!" in cheery pink letters. He sighed, and unbuttoned his shirt.
When his pants hit the floor, his red and gold boxers went with them. Draco, eyes trained below Harry's navel, noted, "Not half-bad, Potter. Well, at least that's something to work with."
"Shut up, Malfoy."
"Wow." Harry breathed. Draco was lying on his back, breathing hard. The clock beside the bed now read "Yay! The world won't end! Congratulations, Hero Harry Potter!" and Draco's hand was still clutched around his well.
"Wow?" Draco said sardonically, snatching his hand away and rolling off Harry's back onto the sheets.
"Er yeah, wow, I'm glad that's over. I'm, er glad the world isn't going to end."
"Yeah, Sure, Potty." Draco stood and put his clothes back on.
The following day, all the Slytherins were sporting small patches on their robes that read, "Potter is a Lousy Lay." There was much tittering when he entered potions class, but Harry decided to simply ignore it. Strangely enough, shortly after Snape instructed the class to make a handy little potion that would turn someone's hair back to its original colour (much to the dismay of most of the perky blonde-haired Slytherins), Snape called Draco and Harry into his chambers.
"Mr. Malfoy. Im sorry to ask this of you, but "
Draco looked at Snape, and then looked at Harry, and then looked at Snape again.
"What is it now." He said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Well, as it turns out, it seems that ah well, it seems that Voldemort is about to find out that I am in fact a spy, and if the two of you will simply well, it would mean rather a lot to me if you wouldn't mind "
Harry groaned. "Do I have to fuck him again?"
"Oh, right, cause you did so much fucking the last time, Potty. Jesus." Draco rolled his eyes.
"Potter, don't be a child. Five-hundred points from Gryffindor for not wanting to fuck a Malfoy."
"What's the time frame, Professor Snape?" Draco asked professionally.
"Well, let's see if you two don't copulate within the next, say, twenty-five minutes, Death Eaters will storm into the building and tear my head from my body, if I'm lucky. Five hundred points to Slytherin for even considering screwing Gryffindor trailer trash."
"You owe me, Snape. You owe me and all my progeny after this. If I can still have progeny after the horrors that my body is about to undergo."
Harry snorted. "What if I don't agree to this?"
"Mr. Potter." Snape slurred. "What would your house think of you if you lost one thousand points in a single day?"
"Fine." Harry grumbled.
That afternoon, the Slytherins and the Gryffindors had Care of Magical Creatures together. This was always a time for great glaring and posturing, as well as much drawling and whining on Draco's part. But that day Hagrid was looking postively glum.
"It's the creatures, Harry. There's a disease, they're " Hagrid choked. "They're all going to DIE." Hagrid broke down and bawled in front of all the students.
Hermione pushed Harry aside. "What is it, Hagrid dear? What's the problem? Perhaps we can find a cure, or find some way to save all the fuzzy, lovely creatures."
"Well," Hagrid sobbed, snorting hopelessly into a hanky Hermione has passed to him. "They tell me there's really only one way to stop it." He looked up at Harry. "Please, Harry, I know it's asking an awful lot, he's such a sodding cry baby git, and all, but "
"HEY!" Draco shouted. "I am NOT a cry baby."
"And yet," Harry pointed out impatiently, "somehow you knew that we were talking about you."
Draco glared at Harry maliciously. "See how willing I'll be to help you and your gigantic friend now, Potty."
Harry sighed. "How much time, Hagrid?"
"About, oy, just about forty minutes left. Just one class. One more class with me flobberworms and all that. Oh. Oh, I can't bear it Harry. Please help! Think of all the the sweet, helpless dragons and and poor Fluffy, he never hurt a soul. And Buckbeak, Harry! Oy!" Hagrid burst into tears again, and Hermione pat him on the back. Hermione gave both boys a stern look.
"Well, off you go, then. Go into Hagrid's hut. And don't come out until you've saved the animals," she hissed.
"What, are you doing to MAKE me, mudblood?" Hermione's eyes narrowed.
"Why yes. Yes I will." Hermione quickly pointed her wand at Draco and whispered, "ballus restrictum". Draco screamed like a schoolgirl. "Now. Do as you're told, or I'll leave that there."
"OKAY!" Draco squeaked. Hermione waved her wand again, and shooed Harry and Draco into Hagrid's hut.
"This is unbelievable." Two sets of pants hit the floor. "Tell me about it."
That night, Harry couldn't sleep. He was having some disturbing thoughts, and he couldn't very well work them out with Ron and Dean and Seamus slapping him on the back about being such a brave hero and all that. I mean, really. Granted, it did take a fair lot of bravery to get naked with Malfoy the entire three times he had been forced too thus far, but the results had been worth it. The world hadn't ended, Dumbledore still had a good spy in Snape, and now Hagrid's animals would go on living, which mostly just made Hagrid happy. Harry sighed. The things he was willing to do for his friends. So he snuck out of the Gryffindor tower and wandered aimlessly under the invisibility cloak until he came to a strangely ornate doorway he'd never seen before. From inside the room, he heard a strangled cry.
Being Harry Potter he rushed in, only to find his arch-nemesis turned lover in the clutches of a half-blind basilisk, about to be squeezed to his death. His lips were already turning blue.
"STOP!" He shouted in parseltongue. "What are you doing?"
"Why, hello there, missssssssssssssster Potter. What are you doing up sssssssssssooo late in the evening? I was just going to have a little ssssssssssssnack." The basilisk blinked it's cataracts helplessly at Harry. "What'ssssssssss the trouble?"
"Ohgodpotterpleasehelpme.." Draco squeezed the words out all slurred together, as he had a thick snake body tightening around his chest.
"Uh, please don't kill him. He's well, he's "
"Oh I had no idea missssssster Potter had feeeelingsssss for thisssssss one. Such a pretty thing he isssss, though."
"I uh ." Harry tried to think quickly. "Yes, that's right. I do. So please let him go."
"Hmmmm .I'm not ssssssssoo ssssssssssssssure I'm convinccccccccced. I want proof."
"Proof? Like what?" Harry asked, dubiously.
"I usssssed to be able sssssssneak a look into the prefectssssss bathroom and watch the boyssssssss get up to all kindssssssss of fun. My eyessssssss aren't nearly sssssssso good thesssssse dayssss. How about a little ssssshow?"
Harry sighed. Well. Didn't that make perfect sense.
"Well, let him go and then, sure. Why not." The basilisk released Draco, who promptly collapsed, breathing heavily.
"Well," he managed, after he'd breathed a bit more. "I guess thanks are in order. What did you say to it?"
"Um," Harry said. "Well, I had to make a bargain." He stared at his feet for a bit, and then at Draco.
Draco eyed him warily. "Let me guess."
"Uh, something like that, yeah. First, uh it wants to see us kiss."
"Kiss?" Draco was horrified. "It wants to see us kiss? Just kiss? Are you sure? That sounds too easy." He stood on shaky legs and pulled Harry toward him, hand on the back of his neck, and gave him the kiss of his life. When Draco untangled his lips from Harry's and let him go, Harry felt his legs go all wobbly as well.
"Wow." Harry said.
"Wow?" Draco asked, incredulously.
"Wow, I really hope it lets us go now." Harry said.
"Uh, yeah." Draco said suspiciously.
"Hmmmmm .that was niccccccccce. More more, misssssssster Potter!"
Draco sighed. "I get the impression that it wants more. What does it want now?"
"It, uh it wants me to put my uh you know, in your "
"Potter. Are you telling me. That this SNAKE. Wants to see me give you a blow job?"
"What'ssssssss the problem, misssssster Potter?" The basilisk asked testily, slithering closer.
"Oh, he's just we've just .he's tired, that's all. Just wait a moment." The basilisk gave Harry curt nod. Draco looked terrified.
Harry whispered, "Um, yeah, and you'd better hurry. He's getting restless."
"I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this." Draco shook his head and undid Harry's pants.
"I don't think you have to go looking in past lives, Malfoy."
They were wandering back toward the dorms when they ran into Flitch. He was bawling like a six year old girl and curled into a fetal ball on the floor.
"Students out of bed!" He shouted tearfully.
"What's the matter?" Harry whispered, hoping to change the subject.
Filtch burst into tears again. "It's Mrs. Norris. She's on the brink of death. I don't know what I'll do without her."
"Well," Draco noted, "I mean, cats die, right? That's what they do. Had to happen eventually."
"I'll tell you what has to happen eventually!" Filtch roared. "I hear there's a special magic that you two can make if I ask you to do it, I bet Mrs. Norris won't die. So do it. Go on. Save Mrs. Norris."
Harry and Draco exchanged looks.
"NOW!" Filtch screamed. "Or I'll give you a year's worth of detentions! In the Forbidden Forest even, which I know you'll enjoy Malfoy, you wimp arse whinging little cry baby!"
"I am NOT a cry baby, what IS this all about?" Draco said, exasperated.
"Okay, Filtch, Okay," Harry said trying to prevent another outburst. "We'll do it, we'll save Mrs. Norris."
Draco sighed, turned and nibbled Harry's earlobe, and whispered, "Why do people keep calling me that?"
Harry undid Draco's pants. "I'm sure I have no idea," he said cooly, kissing Draco's jaw.
The following day rose bright and clear. Before they had even finished their breakfast the first request rolled in. It arrived by Owl in the form of a short letter dropped in Draco's lap.
I has come to the attention of the Death Eaters that you have constantly been beat out of the best grades at Hogwarts by a mudblood. You know how horrified I am but this, I am aware, but now Voldemort is equally horrified, and he has instructed me that unless you shag Harry Potter senseless he will kill me to punish you. I do hope you will consider perform this task for your ever loving father. Oh, please do so before 10am this morning, Or I will be joining the headless hunt in no time, and you know how I hate horses.
"Draco, darling?" Pansy asked. "Why are you banging your head into the table like that? Doesn't that hurt?" Draco sat up and sighed, ignoring Pansy altogether.
"Well. Slap my arse and call me Sally." He sighed.
"Um pardon?" Pansy was utterly confused. Draco caught Harry's eye across the room and fluttered the letter at him.
'Again?' Harry mouthed. He furrowed his brow. Draco nodded, and rose from the table. Harry rose as well, and met Draco at the door.
They walked toward the astronomy tower again. "What is it this time?" Harry asked.
"It's uh it's my father."
"Oh, I see." Harry stopped and cross his arms over his chest in a decidedly Malfoyesque stance. "So now I'm doing sheer charity work, am I?"
Draco eyed him. "Well, next time one of your little friends comes crying to me that I need to fuck you so that their bunny slippers will be warm and toasty in the mornings, I'll comply, okay?"
Harry grunted. "Well, okay, but could we, you know, start with, well and then launch into "
Draco thought for a moment. "Oh, yeah, alright. we've got time for that. Sure."
"Okay, fine. Let's go."
At lunch time, Herimone came to Harry in tears. She had received word that her parents had been kidnapped and were being held at wandpoint by a crazed former Auror with terrible teeth.
"Let me guess," Harry said. Hermione nodded glumly.
"I'm sorry Harry. But would you mind terribly?" Hermione looked at him with pleading eyes.
Harry sighed. He looked across the room at Draco, who already had a look of resignation on his face.
Walking back to the astronomy tower, Draco noted, "Well, this time, I'll tell you how I want it "
Harry listened, eyes getting wider by the moment. "Is that even possible? I'm not sure I'm flexible enough for that."
"If you want to help your little mudblood friend, you'll be flexible enough."
"Oh, look, how nice, the houselves have left mints on the pillows again." Harry flopped down on the bed. "I wonder if I can request jersey knit sheets instead of satin. Satin is so slippery and cold."
"Shut up and strip, Martha Stewart."
"How do you know about Martha Stewart?"
Draco sighed, tugging off his socks. "Even Evil Overlords have hobbies, Harry."
"Right." Harry pulled off his clothes. "So how does this go again?"
"Wow," Harry said, moving his body out of the contorted shape he had been assuming.
"Wow, I bet you didn't learn that from Martha Stewart." Draco rolled over and bit Harry's shoulder.
There was a Quidditch game that evening, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. The two seekers hovered across from each other lazily. The game had been going only about twenty minutes when both Crabbe ran into Goyle and both of them fell headfirst toward the ground.
"Ack!" Harry plunged down, trying to catch them, and realizing it would be impossible for him to catch one, or even both, even if he had time. He simply wasn't that strong.
Suddenly, everything stopped. Harry flew down to the ground and lept off his broom. Crabbe and Goyle were frozen in the air, about ten feet from the ground. All the students in the stands were locked still, like a muggle photograph, with looks of shock and dismay on their faces. The only thing moving was Malfoy.
"What just happened?" He shouted.
"Come down here!" Harry called up.
"If I were to make a presumption," Harry began, as soon as Draco was close enough to hear him, "I would guess that time has stopped so that we can move Crabbe and Goyle to a safer location."
"How does that make any kind of sense, Potter?"
"Excuse me, I didn't realize 'sense' was a part of this narrative."
"Right." Draco stood elegantly, leaning on his broom, watching Harry triy to move Crabbe and Goyle, with no luck. They seemed to be firmly locked in their own space/time continuum.
"Well," Draco said. "How's about we take it that the at the only thing that seems to solve problems these days will solve this problem too?"
"Hmm." Harry said. "Right here?"
"What, you've never thought about shagging someone in front of a stadium full of oh, no, of course you haven't."
Draco leaned over and kissed Harry's neck lingeringly. "Come on "
Harry sighed. "Oh, alright. It's worth a shot, I guess." He tingled.
Ron clapped Harry on the back. "That was amazing, Harry!" He said. "I don't know how you did it! One minute those great big lugs were heading straight for the ground, and the next minute you were there helping them to their feet! With the snitch in hand, no less! Amazing!"
"Um, yeah." Harry mumbled.
That evening it was Madam Pomfrey, who had taken ill and needed them to cure her. Then it had been Professor McGonagall and her mother's fall down the stairs. The next morning, they weren't even surprised when Professor Sprout had asked them for a favour so that the mandrakes wouldn't wither. And strange things were happening around the school, the more times they met. Moaning Myrtle stopped moaning. The stairs still liked moving, but now they moved on command, and they went where you wanted them to go. Snape started washing his hair, and he looked rather debonair. Suddenly, all the nasty flavours of Bertie's Every Flavour Beans disappeared. Chocolate frogs jumped right into your open mouth. A third year Hufflepuff with a tragic acne problem woke up one morning without a single spot on her face. Everyone in Arithmancy class got a perfect score on their test. Nearly-Headless Nick finally lost his head, to his great delight.
After a few weeks Harry and Draco came up with a system. In the mornings, they opened their mail leisurely. Hermione and Ron helped Harry, and Crabbe and Goyle helped Draco.
"Oh look, Harry," Hermione smiled. "You can prevent war in Africa again."
"And hunger in South East Asia." Ron noted.
"The Swedish royal family needs an heir, they wonder if you wouldn't mind "
At the Slytherin table, Crabbe and Goyle read out Draco's mail.
"The Bulgarian Death Eaters would like some help with their membership lists." Crabbe read.
"Your mother can't find her earrings." Goyle noted.
Draco sighed, and caught Harry's eye. He held up two fingers. Harry nodded, and held up three. This was how they organized their day.
A few weeks later, Professor McGonagall was cleaning out her classroom after dinner. She hummed a little to herself, sweeping the floor. When she opened the closet door, the last thing she thought she would find were two half-naked boys snogging.
"Who are you saving this time, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy?"
"Um " Harry began. "Professor Snape said"
"It was Professor Flitwick" Draco blurted.
They looked guiltily at each other. Professor McGonagall, serverly ruffled, looked at them seriously.
"Did someone ask you to do this, or is this extracurricular?"
Draco sniffed. Harry bit his lip and looked at his fingernails.
Professor McGonagall sighed. "Well, the floor has never been so clean and shiny. Carry on." She closed the closet door.
Harry exhaled. "Wow. That was close."
Draco nodded. "I ran into the Bloody Baron on the way over, he had a special request "
Return to Archive | sequel