These are *my* favourite
lines; there's plenty of other funnier ones in there, I'm sure. Some
of them are only really bloody funny in context - but I had to include
them too. I couldn't be bothered going through RWD, TEG and LIBOW..
as well as HP&I. My all time favourite line, though, has to be
the little excerpt which became the basis of the "Did you just moon the
Dark Lord" tag, from TEG - though I also love any place where Narcissa
and Lucius are being snide together. And, of course.. Harry, Ron
and Charlie watching Draco being chased around the manor grounds by a sex-crazed
- “I'm not mad, Draco. Except about you.” - Harry.
- "Now there's a front page story for the Witches
Weekly. The Boy Who Lived becomes the Boy Who Lived An Alternate
Lifestyle." - Draco.
- "Get back into your broom closet and leave me
alone." - Draco.
- "That's a fine tone to take, coming from Mister
Moral Vacuumn, whose passtimes include spying and forcing people to kiss
them." - Draco.
- "Well, five years practically living together,
and you've never asked me out on a date. Of course you had to be
gay." - Hermione.
- "Look - what you want to do with Maletoy
is your business.." -Hermione.
- "My word, I wouldn't be seen dead in a lacey
black g-string and riding chaps." - Draco.
- "Potter is an oversexed, horny fool." - Draco.
- "Potter is in a very, very awkward place right
now." - Harry.
- "We are not a Muggle-fish, Harry." - Draco.
- "Please, Mister Potter. Can I play with
your wand?" - Draco.
"Lucius Malfoy and the Gift of Mercy."
- "Definately. All my thoughts are definately
ours, sir." - an enchanted mirror.
- "Ron Weasley was hung like a centaur." - Draco's
- "So what do you and Viktor do for fun?"
"We play scrabble." - Harry and Hermione.
- "Left a bone down there, did you?" - Ron.
- "Ew, Weasley germs." - Draco.
- "Heard screaming. Thought a girl was in
trouble." "No, that's Harry. He always screams like that."
- Ron and Draco.
- "Y-you hit me." "You kissed me. I
think all's fair in love and war." - Draco and Ron.
- "I never knew you knew so much about dragons."
"Your name is Draco, for goodness sake." - Draco and Lucius.
- "What more could a wizard ask for?" "Orgies
on hard drugs." - Lucius and Draco.
- "Well, I suppose having a Black Feathertail on
heat after you gives you an added turn of speed." - Charlie.
- "That was so gay." - Ron.
- "If the boy was any higher strung he'd be singing
soprano." - Sirius.
- "I'm fairly sure he hit a high-C back there.
Then again, that does seem to be a rather common after-effect of getting
kneed very hard between the legs." - Remus.
- "Good grief. You'd think we were a bunch
of perverts desperate to coerce him into playing out our darkest sexual
fantasies." - Remus.
- "A little experimentation never hurt anyone."
- "Who died and made you head boy?" - Peter.
- "What sort of fool would ever ask you to keep
a secret for them?" - Severus, to Peter.
- "I have breasts and you expect me to be rational?"
- "Oh, you bitch." - Sirius, to James.
- "Things I don't want to know about your sex-life,
number 72." - Draco.
- "You dropped something." "Yes, Harry.
Those were my pants." - Harry and Draco.
- "I'm busy killing Veela. Leave me the hell
alone." - Draco.
- "Let he who cast the first stone at a wizard
expect a lot of dragons in his bed." - Lucius.
- "Josephius liked the sounds of screaming.
I believe in his later life, after he went mad, he worked as a Muggle bank
teller.” - Lucius.
- "You're so - so naked." - Ron, to Hermione.
- "It takes two to - fuck on a broomstick." - Harry.
- "When I jump you - try using your knees to protect
your face." - Lucius, to the female James.
- "Anything is biologically possible, James.
It just depends on how hard you're willing to push." - Lucius.
- “Your father told me a story, while I was
here. Made me think a little.” "Thank goodness it didn't make
you think alot. Half of Azkahban would be free by now.” - Severus
- "Veni, vedi, velcro. I came, I saw, and
I decided to stick around." - Ron.
- "Saying ‘can't’ to a Malfoy, Draco, is like saying
‘stop’ to a herd of rampaging dragons. Of course – if you say to
a Malfoy ‘You can't stop a herd of rampaging dragons..’ well, that's another
affair altogether.." - Lucius.
- "I am quite the amicable despot." - Lucius.
- "You're ovulating, aren't you?" - Narcissa.
- "Anal sex does not a grandchild make." - Lucius.
- "Damn you, Chun Li, and your great gazoombas
of death." - Ron.
- "I love it when you talk clean to me."
- "Syphilis is still syphilis, my love. No
matter how exciting the matter by which you come by it." - Lucius.
- "'Shit happens.' He says it a lot.
He said it to the plumber, too, remember?" "That was in context."
- Harry and Remus discussing Ron.
- "Well, look what the Slytherin dragged in." -
- "Your hair looks like you just crawled out of
a hedgehog backwards.” - Draco.
- “We should really start a business, my dear.
Market our talent.” “I think clothing would be an enterprising beginning.
Garments with the tag-line: I was fucked by the Malfoys, and all
I got was this lousey robe.” - Narcissa and Lucius.
- “Rather an inadequate blackmailer, wouldn't you
say?” “I thought so too. They wrote it using a quill – and
handwriting is so easy to trace.” “They also wrote it on the back
of some Hogwarts stationary. Monogrammed Hogwarts stationary.”
“There was that too.” - Lucius and Narcissa.
- "You saved my life. You fucking sadistic
bastard!" - Severus.
Rocky Horror Style. Perfect entertainment
for your average orgy.
- Every time Lucius and Narcissa mention having
sex with someone, or getting involved in an orgy, throw a condom in the
- Every time Hermione says, "shut up, bitch!" or
something equally domme-ish, slap your riding crop into the palm of your
hand, or spank your partner over your lap.
- If there's a reference to Veelas, pleasure yourself
with the riding crop.
- Every time there's a reference to French maids,
sing the theme song from "Madeline."
- Every time Ron says, "Shit happens," poo in your
- When Draco enters: "Slut!"
- When Lucius enters: "Asshole!" - then, quietly,
"but a sexy asshole.."
- When Voldemort enters, pull down your pants and
moon your monitor.
- When Ron enters, squeal, "I'm not gay!" and then
give oral pleasure to a member of the same sex.
- Put a blanket over your head every time there's
mention of Remus screaming Severus' name in the night.
- Every time someone says, "Well, that was unexpected,"
do something really unexpected.
- Every time someone spots a flying blimp, shag
a fat person.
- Every time someone mentions using a 'stick' or
a 'wand' in a sexual sense, shag a skinny person.
- When Narcissa and Lucius actually mention having
sex with each other, with no other parties involved, you may enjoy
wild, gratuitous bonkings and mad monkey sex. (It does happen.
Honestly. I'm sure. Somewhere..)
Behind the scenes.
"The Running Jokes."
Malfoy inbreeding, and disturbed ancestors - marriages to horses, banktellers,
et al - and of course, the requisite seven toes. The Veela-poolman
connection. The 'ouchie' chairs. Remus - the boy who screamed
"Severus". Sirius' odd choice of underwear. Harry's lack of
a haircut. Dragon blimps. Dragonsex!Ron - a running joke and
plotbunny which went a little too far. "Well, that was unexpected."
Variations on "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." The various
over-sexed mirrors. The mentions of Muggle culture by wizards who
-really- shouldn't know about it. And strange events in the nintendo
universe.. Hermione slipping into her dominatrix persona at inopportune
times. Draco being caught in that magic-photo album in all the wrong
situations. Narcissa putting Draco into a skirt when he was six.
"The fan-Flints - fanon fuck-ups."
- How the hell old are they in Dragon Rock?
There's suggestions of anything between twenty six and twenty. In
actuality, they're meant to be twenty three.
- Harry's willpower - from canon to fanon..
The longest time between Harry saying to Draco, "Fuck you, I'm off", and
returning to him has been two weeks. Every time it happened, it was
supposed to be the conclusion of the series.. but then I'm forced to start
again, thanks to evil fan mail. Thus, Harry suddenly 'forgives' Draco
in order to aid the plot.
- Note the abrupt character changes in some of
the primary cast - especially Narcissa, Lucius and Harry. Sally's
become a lot less eloquent, too - but I suppose you can put it down to
hanging around with Ron "Shit happens" Weasley.
- Sirius appears out of the blue to get his revenge
on Lucius.. because Lucius saved the world and is looking after Harry?
Methinks Sirius needs a wee bit of brain re-tuning..
- Social continuity just.. doesn't happen.
The entire series is based around the idea that the wizarding community
have stupidly short memories - only a few seconds longer than goldfish,
- The medallion didn't have *any* strange effects
on Draco and Ron in Dragon Rock. In fact, mentions of these weird
sensations only occurs in TEG and near the end of RWD. And why the
hell was it so helpful to Voldemort in starting "End Game"? Another
glaring inconsistency which may later be mentioned.. though probably not.
- Why couldn't Lucius have just told Ron to kill
himself straight out in TEG? As Lucius said to Voldemort - Voldemort
couldn't have stopped him.
- What the hell happened to Kaylena. Where
is she, and why is she always unconscious.. if she spent all that time
unconscious, wouldn't she be dead by now?
- And again on that fucking medallion. If
it's so alluring to dragons, why doesn't Sally and the others start banging
their heads against it and start acting crazy? Dragons literally
fell from the sky and killed themselves in order to touch it in Dragon
- Is Remus strong in his human form, or weak?
At times he isn't.. at times he is..
- Note the continual mispelling of "Bludger" as
"bulger." And the mispelling of Severus as 'Serverus'. And
the mispelling of "Azkaban" as "Azkahban" or something equally lame.
And "Alhomera." How the fuck do you spell that, anyway?
First person to email me with the correct
answers to the quiz will win *gasp* a link for a week on the front page
of LHPS - in big letters, thus recieving a heap of diverted site traffic!
And.. a preview of the first four chapters of the next Libertine sequence..
long before anyone else!
Really, guys! That's a totally cool
prize! It's not lame at all! <manic giggle> And you'll
get to appear in HP&I! That's right! You can make a Mary
Sue appearance in the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues! Isn't that fucking
Okay, okay. It's lame. But I'm
bored and drunk. Send emails to firstname.lastname@example.org.
- What did Lucius and Narcissa do in Amsterdam?
- Who is the first person Draco says he is sexually
- Which is the only monogamous and faithful couple
in the sequence?
- In terms of sex that has happened *during* the
course of the stories (not including the flashbacks), who has had the most
partners? (give names or references :P)
- Narcissa and Lucius shagged their way through
the marauders.. which Marauders did each one shag, and who did they *apparently*
miss out on?
- Why does Draco not buy clothes with a zipper?
- What type of dragon is the first dragon to appear
(and be named) in the Snitch Sequence?
- Where did the Veela in the basement in LMGoF
tha' fanz, yo.
What you've been telling me. (And Kissaki.
"What you thought.."
Character most dissed by fans : #1 Draco.
Character most pitied by fans : #1 Remus.
#2 Viktor. #3 Harry.
Characterisations most liked by fans: #1
Lucius. #2 Hermione. #3 Narcissa. #4 Ron.
Author created character most liked:
Couple fans most want to see: #1 Draco/Ron.
#2 Severus/Remus. #3 Ron/Sally.
Couple fans least want to see: #1 Draco/Ron.
(Talk about your mixed messages.)
Character least likely to stay in
character: Harry. (We're working him back to normality.
Character most people are talking about at
the moment: #1 Remus. #2 Sally.
Funniest excerpts (according to you):
#1 The blimp episode (LMGoF). #2 The 'Draco-procreating' episode
(LMGoF). #3 The 'mooning' episode (TEG). #4 The trick wand
Average amount of fanmail Libertine recieves
(and replies to) every day: 3 letters.
Average amount of fanmail Libertine would
like to receive: 100 letters. And chocolates! And cigarettes!
And drugs! Mmkay?
Average amount of hits on Libertine's site
in the past week: 180 per day.
Rating on the google search engine for the
thread 'harry potter slash': 2.
Number of dedicated hp-slashfic authors who
have actually read Libertine (and dare to admit it, without being forced
into doing so): 2.
Number of people Libertine secretly suspects
are major Libertine fans: Everyone who's read this far. I.E.
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