Classicz

By Libertine

       

• “I'm not mad, Draco. Except about you.” - Harry.
• "Now there's a front page story for the Witches Weekly.  The Boy Who Lived becomes the Boy Who Lived An Alternate Lifestyle." - Draco.
• "Get back into your broom closet and leave me alone." - Draco.
• "That's a fine tone to take, coming from Mister Moral Vacuumn, whose passtimes include spying and forcing people to kiss them." - Draco.
• "Well, five years practically living together, and you've never asked me out on a date.  Of course you had to be gay." - Hermione.
• "Look - what you want to do with Maletoy is your business.." -Hermione.
• "My word, I wouldn't be seen dead in a lacey black g-string and riding chaps." - Draco.
• "Potter is an oversexed, horny fool." - Draco.
• "Potter is in a very, very awkward place right now." - Harry.
• "We are not a Muggle-fish, Harry." - Draco.
• "Please, Mister Potter.  Can I play with your wand?" - Draco.

• "Definately.  All my thoughts are definately ours, sir." - an enchanted mirror.
• "Ron Weasley was hung like a centaur." - Draco's thoughts.
• "So what do you and Viktor do for fun?"  "We play scrabble." - Harry and Hermione.
• "Left a bone down there, did you?" - Ron.
• "Ew, Weasley germs." - Draco.
• "Heard screaming.  Thought a girl was in trouble."  "No, that's Harry.  He always screams like that." - Ron and Draco.
• "Y-you hit me."  "You kissed me.  I think all's fair in love and war." - Draco and Ron.
• "I never knew you knew so much about dragons."  "Your name is Draco, for goodness sake." - Draco and Lucius.
• "What more could a wizard ask for?"  "Orgies on hard drugs."  - Lucius and Draco.
• "Well, I suppose having a Black Feathertail on heat after you gives you an added turn of speed." - Charlie.
• "That was so gay." - Ron.

• "If the boy was any higher strung he'd be singing soprano." - Sirius.
• "I'm fairly sure he hit a high-C back there.  Then again, that does seem to be a rather common after-effect of getting kneed very hard between the legs." - Remus.
• "Good grief.  You'd think we were a bunch of perverts desperate to coerce him into playing out our darkest sexual fantasies." - Remus.
• "A little experimentation never hurt anyone." - James.
• "Who died and made you head boy?" - Peter.
• "What sort of fool would ever ask you to keep a secret for them?" - Severus, to Peter.
• "I have breasts and you expect me to be rational?" - Sirius.
• "Oh, you bitch." - Sirius, to James.
• "Things I don't want to know about your sex-life, number 72." - Draco.
• "You dropped something."  "Yes, Harry.  Those were my pants."  - Harry and Draco.
• "I'm busy killing Veela.  Leave me the hell alone." - Draco.
• "Let he who cast the first stone at a wizard expect a lot of dragons in his bed." - Lucius.
• "Josephius liked the sounds of screaming.  I believe in his later life, after he went mad, he worked as a Muggle bank teller.” - Lucius.
• "You're so - so naked." - Ron, to Hermione.
• "It takes two to - fuck on a broomstick." - Harry.
• "When I jump you - try using your knees to protect your face." - Lucius, to the female James.
• "Anything is biologically possible, James.  It just depends on how hard you're willing to push." - Lucius.
•  “Your father told me a story, while I was here.  Made me think a little.”  "Thank goodness it didn't make you think alot.  Half of Azkahban would be free by now.” - Severus and Draco.
• "Veni, vedi, velcro.  I came, I saw, and I decided to stick around." - Ron.
• "Saying ‘can't’ to a Malfoy, Draco, is like saying ‘stop’ to a herd of rampaging dragons.  Of course – if you say to a Malfoy ‘You can't stop a herd of rampaging dragons..’ well, that's another affair altogether.." - Lucius.
• "I am quite the amicable despot." - Lucius.
• "You're ovulating, aren't you?" - Narcissa.
• "Anal sex does not a grandchild make." - Lucius.
• "Damn you, Chun Li, and your great gazoombas of death." - Ron.
• "I love it when you talk clean to me." - Narcissa.
• "Syphilis is still syphilis, my love.  No matter how exciting the matter by which you come by it." - Lucius.
• "'Shit happens.'  He says it a lot.  He said it to the plumber, too, remember?"  "That was in context." - Harry and Remus discussing Ron.
• "Well, look what the Slytherin dragged in." - Harry.
• "Your hair looks like you just crawled out of a hedgehog backwards.” - Draco.
• “We should really start a business, my dear.  Market our talent.”  “I think clothing would be an enterprising beginning.  Garments with the tag-line:  I was fucked by the Malfoys, and all I got was this lousey robe.” - Narcissa and Lucius.
• “Rather an inadequate blackmailer, wouldn't you say?”  “I thought so too.  They wrote it using a quill – and handwriting is so easy to trace.”  “They also wrote it on the back of some Hogwarts stationary.  Monogrammed Hogwarts stationary.”  “There was that too.” - Lucius and Narcissa.
• "You saved my life.  You fucking sadistic bastard!" - Severus.

       

• Every time Lucius and Narcissa mention having sex with someone, or getting involved in an orgy, throw a condom in the air.
• Every time Hermione says, "shut up, bitch!" or something equally domme-ish, slap your riding crop into the palm of your hand, or spank your partner over your lap.
• If there's a reference to Veelas, pleasure yourself with the riding crop.
• Every time there's a reference to French maids, sing the theme song from "Madeline."
• Every time Ron says, "Shit happens," poo in your pants.
• When Draco enters: "Slut!"
• When Lucius enters: "Asshole!" - then, quietly, "but a sexy asshole.."
• When Voldemort enters, pull down your pants and moon your monitor.
• When Ron enters, squeal, "I'm not gay!" and then give oral pleasure to a member of the same sex.
• Put a blanket over your head every time there's mention of Remus screaming Severus' name in the night.
• Every time someone says, "Well, that was unexpected," do something really unexpected.
• Every time someone spots a flying blimp, shag a fat person.
• Every time someone mentions using a 'stick' or a 'wand' in a sexual sense, shag a skinny person.
• When Narcissa and Lucius actually mention having sex with each other, with no other parties involved, you may enjoy wild, gratuitous bonkings and mad monkey sex.  (It does happen.  Honestly.  I'm sure.  Somewhere..)

       

Spot..
            Malfoy inbreeding, and disturbed ancestors - marriages to horses, banktellers, et al - and of course, the requisite seven toes.  The Veela-poolman connection.  The 'ouchie' chairs.  Remus - the boy who screamed "Severus".  Sirius' odd choice of underwear.  Harry's lack of a haircut.  Dragon blimps.  Dragonsex!Ron - a running joke and plotbunny which went a little too far.  "Well, that was unexpected."  Variations on "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."  The various over-sexed mirrors.  The mentions of Muggle culture by wizards who -really- shouldn't know about it.  And strange events in the nintendo universe..  Hermione slipping into her dominatrix persona at inopportune times.  Draco being caught in that magic-photo album in all the wrong situations.  Narcissa putting Draco into a skirt when he was six.  Scrabble.

• How the hell old are they in Dragon Rock?  There's suggestions of anything between twenty six and twenty.  In actuality, they're meant to be twenty three.
• Harry's willpower - from canon to fanon..  The longest time between Harry saying to Draco, "Fuck you, I'm off", and returning to him has been two weeks.  Every time it happened, it was supposed to be the conclusion of the series.. but then I'm forced to start again, thanks to evil fan mail.  Thus, Harry suddenly 'forgives' Draco in order to aid the plot.
• Note the abrupt character changes in some of the primary cast - especially Narcissa, Lucius and Harry.  Sally's become a lot less eloquent, too - but I suppose you can put it down to hanging around with Ron "Shit happens" Weasley.
• Sirius appears out of the blue to get his revenge on Lucius.. because Lucius saved the world and is looking after Harry?  Methinks Sirius needs a wee bit of brain re-tuning..
• Social continuity just.. doesn't happen.  The entire series is based around the idea that the wizarding community have stupidly short memories - only a few seconds longer than goldfish, really..
• The medallion didn't have *any* strange effects on Draco and Ron in Dragon Rock.  In fact, mentions of these weird sensations only occurs in TEG and near the end of RWD.  And why the hell was it so helpful to Voldemort in starting "End Game"?  Another glaring inconsistency which may later be mentioned.. though probably not.
• Why couldn't Lucius have just told Ron to kill himself straight out in TEG?  As Lucius said to Voldemort - Voldemort couldn't have stopped him.
• What the hell happened to Kaylena.  Where is she, and why is she always unconscious.. if she spent all that time unconscious, wouldn't she be dead by now?
• And again on that fucking medallion.  If it's so alluring to dragons, why doesn't Sally and the others start banging their heads against it and start acting crazy?  Dragons literally fell from the sky and killed themselves in order to touch it in Dragon Rock..
• Is Remus strong in his human form, or weak?  At times he isn't.. at times he is..
• Note the continual mispelling of "Bludger" as "bulger."  And the mispelling of Severus as 'Serverus'.  And the mispelling of "Azkaban" as "Azkahban" or something equally lame.  And "Alhomera."  How the fuck do you spell that, anyway?

First person to email me with the correct answers to the quiz will win *gasp* a link for a week on the front page of LHPS - in big letters, thus recieving a heap of diverted site traffic!  And.. a preview of the first four chapters of the next Libertine sequence.. long before anyone else!

Really, guys!  That's a totally cool prize!  It's not lame at all!  <manic giggle>  And you'll get to appear in HP&I!  That's right!  You can make a Mary Sue appearance in the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues!  Isn't that fucking COOL?

Okay, okay.  It's lame.  But I'm bored and drunk.  Send emails to naejjak@yahoo.com.

• What did Lucius and Narcissa do in Amsterdam?
• Who is the first person Draco says he is sexually interested in?
• Which is the only monogamous and faithful couple in the sequence?
• In terms of sex that has happened *during* the course of the stories (not including the flashbacks), who has had the most partners?  (give names or references :P)
• Narcissa and Lucius shagged their way through the marauders.. which Marauders did each one shag, and who did they *apparently* miss out on?
• Why does Draco not buy clothes with a zipper?
• What type of dragon is the first dragon to appear (and be named) in the Snitch Sequence?
• Where did the Veela in the basement in LMGoF come from?

       

Character most dissed by fans : #1 Draco.  #2 Ron.
Character most pitied by fans : #1 Remus.  #2 Viktor.  #3 Harry.
Characterisations most liked by fans: #1 Lucius.  #2 Hermione.  #3 Narcissa.  #4 Ron.
Author created character most liked:  Sally.
Couple fans most want to see:  #1 Draco/Ron.  #2 Severus/Remus.  #3 Ron/Sally.
Couple fans least want to see:  #1 Draco/Ron.  (Talk about your mixed messages.)
Character least likely to stay in character:  Harry.  (We're working him back to normality.  Slowly.)
Character most people are talking about at the moment:  #1 Remus.  #2 Sally.
Funniest excerpts (according to you):  #1 The blimp episode (LMGoF).  #2 The 'Draco-procreating' episode (LMGoF).  #3 The 'mooning' episode (TEG).  #4 The trick wand episode. (LIBOW)

Average amount of fanmail Libertine recieves (and replies to) every day: 3 letters.
Average amount of fanmail Libertine would like to receive: 100 letters.  And chocolates!  And cigarettes!  And drugs!  Mmkay?
Average amount of hits on Libertine's site in the past week: 180 per day.
Rating on the google search engine for the thread 'harry potter slash':  2.
Number of dedicated hp-slashfic authors who have actually read Libertine (and dare to admit it, without being forced into doing so):  2.
Number of people Libertine secretly suspects are major Libertine fans:  Everyone who's read this far.  I.E. YOU.

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