Author's Note: This is a Clover fanfic. Clover belongs to CLAMP, Amie and anyone else who has the rights. In any case, this isn't me. This is shounen-ai (or I'd even call it shota-con), too. Nothing ever gets explicit (or, for that matter, ever gets any actual plot or content), but you're still free to hit the 'Back' button before it's too late. That said, you might proceed.

Fading Away

By Takibi


I stare at your pale delicate face as you sleep quietly at my couch. Even though you've got a face and figure of a teenager, your manners are those of a child - you still sleep with your hand under your cheek the way you did when you were ten. Or should I say when you looked like you were ten. I must confess that your aging confuses me quite a bit at times.

Had Kazuhiko been here, he'd probably call me a cradle-robber. That man has to think before talking at least once in a while, but sometimes I feel he's right. Being fairly dim-witted, he however strikes it right to the point very often. After all, wasn't it me who gladly accepted the gift of your flowerlike virginity when you wore an image of a fourteen year old boy?

But I'm not an angel or a saint. I'm a mere soldier who knew little about simple human emotions before you stormed into my life like a hurricane of soft white clover petals. And even with you around, I still cannot open myself fully to you. When night falls upon us two, I listen to your sweet whisper, your innocent confessions you repeat again and again, each time being so endlessly genuine... and I say nothing in return, clutching your body silently in my arms. You never ask for a reply, you never wonder why am I so cold, so iceberg-like and seemingly heartless. You just accept me as I am, as if it's all you ever needed. Could it be that you can't imagine a soldier expressing his feelings?

Maybe. It's a image everyone gets. Even Oruha said so, though she was known for her ability to make everyone, anyone express themselves freely as she sang her songs, so full of life, of strength, of will. Was this the true power of One-Leaf Clover?... Was the knowledge of her death approaching the reason for her to love life so full-heartedly?... It could be so, and I believe it was. Oruha's emotions were always at their peak, love and hatred equally - and she was always so sincere.

Sometimes I envy her. Sometimes I feel that I'd willingly exchange as many years of my life as needed for a simple ability to utter simple words. Short words. Brief sounds that fall like stones into serene black water and drown to stay forever at the bottom. How ridiculous is that? Oruha would laugh at me. She'd never understand this unexplainable inability to say how much you love someone. For her, it was so natural and easy... it was a part of her life. My weakness would be completely beyond her.

But I don't have much time left.

You're naive enough to believe I'm not noticing such things, but I'm counting the hours of your sleep, listening to the sound of your breath and heartbeat, watching the way you move... You never wanted to upset me with complaints, but everything is written in the lines of your graceful body - slowly, secretly, you're fading away, like a white clover under a harsh November rain. I knew that this would happen eventually and I expected that - or so I thought. Looking back, I see that your last year came before I could realize it.

You want me to think that you lived those few years in pure bliss, as long as you were with me. You say that there's nothing you regret, even though staying at the institute would guarantee you a much longer span of existence. God knows, I had nothing more to wish for when you decided to stay with me - as selfish of me as it was - but will your life have a truly happy ending if you fade away without ever hearing those plain words I never dared to whisper?

But I will break the barrier around my own emotions. I'll tell it to you before it's too late. Someday, I will do it - just don't leave me alone before it happens. Stay with me for just a little while longer. Try to trust me even if I remain silent. For once again, understand me without words. Just... believe me.

With every day and every hour my love to you grows.

It'll become infinite when you die.


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